A New Kind of Therapy

Several times over the last two or three years, my regular therapist recommended that I try EMDR therapy. EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing and is considered to be an effective treatment for victims of trauma. I ignored my therapist's gentle suggestions and stayed with what I was comfortable with, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, which is his primary treatment method. In my mind, EMDR wasn't going to help. I don't remember being a victim of a trauma. I mean, sure, I grew up in a dysfunctional family, but so did a zillion other people. And, yes, I have a lot of childhood amnesia, which is a symptom of trauma, but maybe there's just not that much worth remembering. And, then there's that icky, sad, anxious feeling I get whenever I think about what it was like when I was a kid, but surely, if I was a victim of a trauma, I'd remember it, right?

Finally, this year, with my anxiety at peak levels, I knew I had to try something new. My experience last summer with the CLARITY intensive outpatient program helped, but I was still having pretty severe anxiety, weird physical symptoms that my doctors couldn't explain, and it was starting to cause me to miss school and work. Until then, I'd never missed work because of anxiety. I'd always been able to tough it out. I was desperate to find something to help me before anxiety took control of my life. So, I asked my therapist why he thought EMDR would help, since I don't remember being a victim of a trauma. He told me that it has shown good results for people with anxiety and panic attacks and suggested that I just talk to an EMDR therapist on the phone and learn more. (My therapist doesn't do EMDR.) So, I agreed, he gave me a referral, I called the therapist, and got a lot of information. The EMDR therapist said he didn't want to waste my time or money if he didn't think EMDR would help, so he also got a lot of information from me. He got my permission to talk with my regular therapist, and a release from me so he could talk with the therapists at CLARITY. After several phone conversations and emails, he and I agreed to meet.

I was anxious (no surprise there, right?) when I went to my first session. We had a get-to-know-each-other conversation, paperwork, and some history to go over. After meeting him, I decided I wanted to continue with the therapy, and left with a lot of homework and an appointment in two weeks. My promise to myself was that I was going to be completely honest with myself and my new therapist during this process, something I don't think I've always done in past therapy. Some of my phobias, fears, physical sensations, and thoughts are so embarrassing that I don't want to admit them. And, sometimes, I feel like I'm making a big deal out of nothing, so I just don't bring things up. No more. So what if your therapist thinks you're crazy? Isn't that why you're going there?

I've had five sessions so far. Yes, they've been hard, and I've been disturbed by some of the things that have come up in our conversations. Some of them made my cry and I hate to cry. Today I had my first experience with the actual tactile stimulation that's used in EMDR. (Some therapists use eye movement, some use sounds, some use tapping, and some use vibration. Mine uses vibration.) And, yes, some images came across, and I had some uncomfortable physical sensations, but I knew I could stop at any time. I made it through, and feel like I'm making progress. I very much want to be better, to be less anxious, and I know it can take continuous work and practice. I'm willing to do it.

I found this website in case you want to learn more about EMDR. EMDR.com