Self-pity makes us feel victimized, powerless, and out of control. It takes away from our capability to live a good life. It's good to feel sorry for yourself when something bad happens and acknowledge and accept your feelings. But, continuing in self-pity holds us back. As I've journeyed through life, I've had times when I felt sorry for myself because I have depression and anxiety, and it's created responses in my brain that made me feel helpless and trapped. And, even those who don't experience anxiety or depression know that feeling helpless leads to a lack of energy that holds us back from doing the things of which we're capable.
I'm the queen of negative self-talk. It can be a product of self-pity, from hearing words that made us feel unworthy or useless, or, as in my experience, from being in situations where it was implied that we didn't measure up. You start to get what I think of as "ruts in your brain." A tiny rut is created when you hear words or experience situations that make you feel like you're not good enough. If you hear or experience it often, the rut grows deeper. Sometimes it comes from feeling sorry for yourself and feeling like a victim. Sometimes it's from the implication that we don't measure up. It can be from back-handed compliments like, "You're so pretty and polite that you don't need to be good at ..." My favorite scenario, which comes from my childhood (and was well-intentioned,) is this. You don't understand something, you ask a question, and there's a laugh. Then you hear, "It's complicated. You won't get it. But, I love you anyway." And, you know that you'd be loved a whole lot more if you'd gotten it. At some point, you start believing all this stuff. The ruts in your brain get a little deeper every time you hear it. Eventually, when you start on something, the "ruts in your brain" give you a nagging feeling that you're not good enough to complete the task, much less succeed at the task.
I'm also good at self-abandonment. I didn't figure out what I was doing to myself until recently, when I read Sally Brampton's book, Shoot the Damn Dog. A Memoir of Depression. (Just so you know, no dogs were harmed in the writing of the book. The dark dog refers to depression.) I tend to be more anxious than depressed (although I've experienced both) and Sally's journey has been through deep and severe depression. But, I recommend the book to anyone, and one page, that I've dogeared and read till it's a little grimy, is about self-abandonment. I'll take one quote that summed it up for me. "If somebody hurts you, and you pretend that you are fine, you abandon yourself." The passage, which includes a list of ways people abandon themselves, concludes, "You suffer from a failure of care." Some people don't care for themselves because early in life they weren't emotionally cared for and eventually began to feel unworthy of being cared for. Some people have relationships in their lives where there's an expectation of emotional care that doesn't happen. So, you stop caring for yourself.
You sabotage your capability to feel well, to enjoy life as best you can, and to have career success, when you engage in self-pity, negative self-talk, or self-abandonment. And, whether you actually feel depressed and/or anxious, or just have a tough time achieving what you want to achieve, recognizing these behaviors is important. Even more important is taking steps to end these behaviors. Take those "ruts in your brain" and re-fill them with self confidence, positive and realistic self-talk, and self-care. Fill your social agenda with like-minded people who want the best for you. And, most importantly, fill your mind and soul with thoughts of your capacity to be "wise in this world."
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