Friends Can Help

Honestly, last week was rough. I had a panic attack at home that was so bad it made me miss work, which is really rare for me because I'll usually tough it out. I had some of my hardest tests so far at school. I was on antibiotics because I was sick, and I have a phobia about taking medicines, particularly antibiotics. (More on that in a future post.) I was getting ready to leave on a trip, and travel can make me anxious, even though I love it. And, my husband was out of town all week, and he's my biggest cheerleader, confidant, and supporter. Shew.

On Friday I took my last test before spring break and felt really confident about how I did. We got out of school early and my husband was going to be home by evening! I felt pretty good as I left school on a beautiful, sunny, early spring afternoon. I was ready for lunch followed by an afternoon of getting my fingers and toes done by my favorite nail tech, who's also a good friend!

I'd really been struggling to eat the whole week. When I'm anxious, my normally good, (OK, way too good) appetite disappears and it's hard for me to eat anything. And, while I need to drop some pounds, not wanting to eat anything is not the way I want to do it. So, I was pretty excited that I felt hungry at lunchtime Friday. I stopped at my favorite organic grocery store for one of their yummy sandwiches and ate almost all of it when I got home. I gave my house a quick cleaning and noticed I had heartburn. I hate heartburn. It makes me have panic attacks because I'm sure it's a heart attack. I ignored it, and left for my mani/pedi appointment.

I was having a good time chatting with my nail tech friend and getting my pedicure, when I suddenly felt dizzy. It only lasted a second, but on top of my heartburn, that was all it took to start a panic attack. But, I wanted to manage it without taking my medicine. I didn't want to have to tell my friend I needed to take a pill. I was embarrassed. And, I was sure, as usual, that I was having a heart attack.

I used the many anxiety-management tools in my toolbox and the panic was subsiding as I moved from the pedicure chair to the manicure chair. I picked my nail color and felt like I was going to avoid a full blown panic attack. After all, the manicure is actually my favorite part. I nearly fall asleep when my hands are being pampered. But, I started feeling anxious again. I just knew I was having a heart attack. I tried grounding, I tried re-thinking. Finally, I had to tell my friend I was having a panic attack. I was so embarrassed. Even though she knows I have anxiety disorder, I felt humiliated having a panic attack right in front of her. But, telling her was the best thing I could have done.

She was kind. She was understanding and compassionate. She cancelled her next client, in spite of my protestation that I could go home. She has a private room where she does nails, so she suggested I try a couple of yoga poses, and spread a towel out so I could do them. She talked about when she herself had a couple of panic attacks. She even offered to drive me home, or to a hospital if I felt I needed it. Her calmness, her willingness to help, were what I needed. I took my medicine, I did the yoga poses, I talked with her about how hard it is to struggle with this disorder. After a while she finished my nails, gave me a hug, and I was able to go home feeling better.

I learned a lesson that day. It's one thing to talk to people about having anxiety disorder when I'm not having a panic attack, because people can't see what's happening. It's easy to write a blog about it because no one can see me have a panic attack through my blog. But, when you're having a panic attack in front of someone, it's humiliating. You want to run. But, the lesson I learned is that people can be kind. They can help.

Many thanks to my friend for helping me. I'm so lucky to have her for a friend.