Forgetting to Take Care of Myself

Anxiety builds up and I don't notice it. I don't pay attention to the subtle signs. I forget that taking care of myself when I'm not anxious will reduce episodes of acute anxiety. I start thinking that I'm done with anxiety, and phobias, and hypochondria. I'm invincible. I can handle stress. Just pile it on. I'll sail right through it.

Then I start noticing that my heart's beating fast. Or, I get that funny feeling in the pit of my stomach. But, it's just for a few seconds and I think, "Oh, it will be fine. You can handle this. You've been doing great." And, I go about life as usual, never slowing down, not stopping to take care of myself. Because when I'm feeling "normal" I lull myself into believing that I won't be anxious anymore. It's easy to do, because when I'm not anxious I forget that recovery is a path. I forget that recovery requires care and that I'm responsible for taking care of myself. I forget that I have to be intentional. Then, when I least expect it, I have a panic attack. I start thinking negative thoughts. The dark cloud of worry takes its place over my head. I'm obsessively thinking about every breath, every heartbeat, to see if it seems normal.

You'd think after all these years of managing my illness, I'd remember to take care of myself. I think it goes back to wishing that I didn't have this and hoping it will just GO AWAY. But, even if I didn't have to manage my anxiety, I need to take care of my self. Many of us, even those without anxiety or depression, just don't do enough to treat ourselves well.

Here are some things that give me peace, energy, and a sense of life being good.
Progressive Muscle Relaxation. If you've never done it you don't know what you're missing. For a guided version that's a little bit shorter, but super effective, check out Ken Goodman's "Stress Free" in the iTunes store.

100 Breaths Meditation. Easy as pie and if you do it in the morning, your work day will go smoother. All that's involved is sitting quietly and breathing 100 deep breaths. Be sure to breath into your abdomen and exhale longer than you inhale. I like sitting crossed legged with my hands palm up to receive the gift of relaxation, but you can sit anywhere in any comfortable position. Add some relaxing music and it's even better.

Stop and enjoy life. I try to take a minute (or more) every day to intentionally enjoy something. It can be as simple and quick as watching a bird or a butterfly and think about how pretty it is or taking time to have lunch with a friend and really paying attention to the food and conversation.

Gardening. I love to pull a few weeds, or plant some seeds, or water the plants.

Writing. Recording my thoughts and feelings is cathartic.

Telling someone I trust how I'm feeling. Whether I'm happy, peaceful, frustrated, scared, or sad, saying it out loud helps, especially if I can tell someone else. I try to remember to talk to my husband or a close friend about how I'm feeling. This one is hard for me. I don't come from a family where acknowledging your feelings was acceptable and my husband doesn't talk about his feelings often. But, he knows how good it is for me to be able to say my feelings out loud and he's always ready to listen. And, I have friends I can talk to. If no one is available to listen, I just say it out loud to myself.

Music. I have a library of music for stress reduction. A couple of favorites are Mozart for Meditation and David Benoit's Letter to Evan.

Exercise. In my dreams I'm a runner and wake up every day wanting to go for a run. But, in reality, I hate exercise. So, I try to get a 30 minute walk in every day. Or, I substitute gardening, or taking the stairs instead of the elevator. Or, walking to the store. Or, even, cleaning my house. It's a proven fact that regular exercise reduces anxiety.

Go outside. This is probably my favorite stress reliever. I love to be outside. Sit on the porch, or the steps, or under a shady tree in the yard, or on a bench in the park. Sit on a bus bench if that's all that's available. Even if it's cold or rainy, just go outside for a few minutes. There's something about being outside that helps with anxiety.

Sometimes, in spite of everything, I still feel anxious. But, consciously taking care of myself, making self-care a priority, reminding myself that I am worthwhile and deserve to take care of myself, are tools that make my jittery life a little less jittery.

I'm Leaving on a Jet Plane...

In my imagination I'm a world traveler. I confidently jump on planes, trains, boats, and automobiles wearing a variety of cute travel outfits, appropriate for my exotic destinations. I stroll through the airport pulling my classic Hartmann tweed suitcase looking seasoned, confident, and a little excited about my next adventure. 

OK, here's the real world scenario. I enter the airport in a bundle of anxiety, heart racing, sweaty palms, obsessively checking my purse to be sure I have Xanax. I shakily make my way through checking my bag (OK, it's a Samsonite, not a Hartmann) and on through security I go, not like a world traveller headed on her next adventure, but like a woman walking to her cell on death row. The only thing similar to my imagination is the cute travel outfit appropriate to my destination. I have my rituals and they have to be done and somehow in my jittery mind I feel a tiny measure of comfort and protection. First water fountain inside security is where I take my Xanax. Don't want to take it too late. I want it to be working when I get on that plane. Don't want to take it too early. It might start wearing out before the flight is over. I get a decaf coffee. I wait till they are almost ready to call my flight and go to the bathroom. My rituals are done. I pray and walk down the jetway like a condemned woman. I fervently hope that my favorite seat by the window, just behind the wing, is available. My heart is pounding. I'm not sure if I'm more worried about the plane crashing or having a heart attack while in the air with no fully qualified medical personnel to save me. My terror begins to subside as I use all the tools I have to manage panic, but by the time we push back I'm sweaty palmed again, my heart is racing and negative talk is racing in my head. We roll down the runway and we're off, with my heart in my throat. When, miraculously, I don't have a heart attack and the plane doesn't crash on take off, I settle down. Oddly, I'm not very anxious once we're flying unless I see or hear something I think is weird. When they say we can turn on mobile devices and the flight attendants begin beverage service, my anxiety thinks everything is normal. 

Most of the time I fly with my husband. He's awesome. Before our trip he books the reservations, checks us in online, gets the boarding passes. He knows all the preparation increases my anxiety. He pats my hand on the way to the airport, understands my weird rituals, and supports me if I freak out. He never asks me to sit in the center seat even though he prefers the aisle. He knows I like the window and sits in the dreaded center seat so I can be in my safe spot.

We were on our way to Tampa to get on a cruise ship when I wrote this. I don't really love cruise ships, either, which added to my anxiety. I feel a little confined and think cruises are a bit cheesy. But, this was a family cruise with 15 of my in-laws, and we knew it would make my mother-in-law super happy if we went, so I decided to go. But, managing the anxiety wasn't easy. The night before our trip, I lay in bed for two hours with my heart pounding. Two rounds of Progressive Muscle Relaxation plus a guided sleep meditation and my pulse was still 92. I forced myself to stop obsessively checking my pulse. Finally, I drifted off to strange dreams of flying to Alaska in a tiny plane. 

After a rocky morning of getting ready to board the plane, and a short, uneventful flight with my sweet husband, we landed. I had used all my coping techniques, I arrived unscathed, and as we headed to baggage claim, I felt like that confident world traveller who's living within me.

P.S. I few weeks after writing this, I found Tim Benjamin's website Fearofflyingschool.com with tips to reduce anxiety when flying. I thought my readers would like the tips!