Let the Sun Shine

I forget that it's OK not to worry. Somewhere along the way in life, I got the idea that if I worried about all the bad things that could happen I could somehow prevent them from happening. I also got the idea that if I wasn't worried about something, it was a guarantee that something bad would happen. So I worried as a preventive measure. I also refused to enjoy anything too much. Enjoying something was a sure fire way to make something bad happen. Stare blissfully at the waves of the ocean while on vacation? Ooops. Better not get too relaxed. You just have to go back to work next week. Gaze with amazement while one of my babies slept? Stop it. She could get a terrible disease and die and you won't get to see her grow up. Breathe in that wonderful new car smell as you drive off the lot? Don't do it. You could lose your job next week and not be able to make the car payments. It was like always having a black cloud over my head. It was the "if I worry enough about something I can prevent it from happening" cloud. Or, maybe it was the "if I don't enjoy this very much it won't hurt so much when I lose it" cloud. I had a huge expectation that things would go wrong. I was the epitome of that expression "I feel like there's a black cloud over my head."

The funny part of it is that, of course, none of this was true. Worrying about whether something bad will happen doesn't prevent it. And, enjoying something can't make something bad happen. Being on high alert for the bad in things just makes you anxious, depressed, and not able to function at the capacity of which you're able. It means you can't be fully present for your job, your family, your relationships, or, most importantly, yourself.

Now I've learned that letting the sun shine around my black cloud is not only OK, it can actually make the dark clouds disappear. Sure, bad things are going to happen. There will be times when there are dark clouds in your life, but when they're not there, enjoy it. Don't worry about when the next storm will come. When I feel those clouds appearing without good reason, I literally start to visualize how it looks when the sun begins to peak out after a storm. I imagine the warmth and beauty of a pretty day and I let the sun shine into my jittery life.

Ending the Sabotage

Helen Keller said, “Self-pity is our worst enemy and if we yield to it, we can never do anything wise in this world.” Wise words from an amazing woman. I'll add to this and say that negative self-talk and self-abandonment are also our enemies. And, these three things can sabotage our ability to be confident and comfortable with ourselves. 

Self-pity makes us feel victimized, powerless, and out of control. It takes away from our capability to live a good life. It's good to feel sorry for yourself when something bad happens and acknowledge and accept your feelings. But, continuing in self-pity holds us back. As I've journeyed through life, I've had times when I felt sorry for myself because I have depression and anxiety, and it's created responses in my brain that made me feel helpless and trapped. And, even those who don't experience anxiety or depression know that feeling helpless leads to a lack of energy that holds us back from doing the things of which we're capable. 

I'm the queen of negative self-talk. It can be a product of self-pity, from hearing words that made us feel unworthy or useless, or, as in my experience, from being in situations where it was implied that we didn't measure up. You start to get what I think of as "ruts in your brain." A tiny rut is created when you hear words or experience situations that make you feel like you're not good enough. If you hear or experience it often, the rut grows deeper. Sometimes it comes from feeling sorry for yourself and feeling like a victim. Sometimes it's from the implication that we don't measure up. It can be from back-handed compliments like, "You're so pretty and polite that you don't need to be good at ..." My favorite scenario, which comes from my childhood (and was well-intentioned,) is this. You don't understand something, you ask a question, and there's a laugh. Then you hear, "It's complicated. You won't get it. But, I love you anyway."  And, you know that you'd be loved a whole lot more if you'd gotten it. At some point, you start believing all this stuff. The ruts in your brain get a little deeper every time you hear it. Eventually, when you start on something, the "ruts in your brain" give you a nagging feeling that you're not good enough to complete the task, much less succeed at the task. 

I'm also good at self-abandonment. I didn't figure out what I was doing to myself until recently, when I read Sally Brampton's book, Shoot the Damn Dog. A Memoir of Depression. (Just so you know, no dogs were harmed in the writing of the book. The dark dog refers to depression.) I tend to be more anxious than depressed (although I've experienced both) and Sally's journey has been through deep and severe depression. But, I recommend the book to anyone, and one page, that I've dogeared and read till it's a little grimy, is about self-abandonment. I'll take one quote that summed it up for me. "If somebody hurts you, and you pretend that you are fine, you abandon yourself." The passage, which includes a list of ways people abandon themselves, concludes, "You suffer from a failure of care." Some people don't care for themselves because early in life they weren't emotionally cared for and eventually began to feel unworthy of being cared for. Some people have relationships in their lives where there's an expectation of emotional care that doesn't happen. So, you stop caring for yourself. 

You sabotage your capability to feel well, to enjoy life as best you can, and to have career success, when you engage in self-pity, negative self-talk, or self-abandonment. And, whether you actually feel depressed and/or anxious, or just have a tough time achieving what you want to achieve, recognizing these behaviors is important. Even more important is taking steps to end these behaviors. Take those "ruts in your brain" and re-fill them with self confidence, positive and realistic self-talk, and self-care. Fill your social agenda with like-minded people who want the best for you. And, most importantly, fill your mind and soul with thoughts of your capacity to be "wise in this world."