Loneliness and Anxiety

I was reading a devotional tonight and discovered a quote from Mother Teresa.


"Today a great disease is that feeling of terrible loneliness, the feeling of being unwanted, having forgotten what human joy is, what the human feeling is of being wanted or loved...there is a tremendous hunger and a tremendous feeling of unwantedness everywhere. And that really is a great poverty."

Mother Teresa's words hit right to the heart of what I think causes most of my anxiety. "Terrible loneliness, the feeling of being unwanted." These two feelings grip me, especially the loneliness. And, they cause me to forget "what human joy is." On days when I struggle to just put one foot in front of the other, the sense of loneliness makes me think I'll never feel joy again. Loneliness, and feeling unwanted, cause me so much anxiety that I can't imagine I'll ever look forward to anything or experience pleasure again. All I can see is a future of just putting one foot in front of the other as I go through life.

Where does that loneliness come from, I've wondered. I remember very little of my childhood, but would have said it was pretty normal if you asked me. But, as I've worked my way through EMDR therapy, I've discovered that I was a lonely child and that loneliness has stayed with me, even though now I'm wanted, loved, and cared for. And, that is "a great poverty."

The poverty of not feeling accepted, of feeling alone, stayed with me long after those things were no longer true. They became part of who I am. So, now I'm faced with the task of learning to accept and love myself. Because, no matter how much others love and accept you, until you love and accept yourself, the "great poverty" will stay with you.

Sometimes Jimmy Buffett is My Therapist

Once again, I've been neglecting my blog. If you're still reading it, thanks for sticking with me. To bring you up to date, I'm still doing EMDR therapy. It's getting easier, and I've worked through more of my unrealized grief, a lot of fear, and some pretty deep sadness. It's so worth the journey, though. And, the journey isn't over yet, but I'm living with less anxiety and more acceptance right now.

During some of the hard days over the past few months, I felt overcome with anxiety and was afraid
I'd never find pleasure in anything again. I'd try to comfort myself by remembering things I used to enjoy, and tell myself that the day would come that I'd enjoy them again. During one of those days I decided to turn on Jimmy Buffett. Jimmy used to cheer me up. And, that morning when I turned on my JB playlist I realized that sometimes he's my therapist.

A line I heard that morning suddenly seemed filled with meaning, even though I'd listened to the song a million times before. "If it takes all the future, we'll live through the past."* Sometimes our pasts are so painful, and fill us with shame, sadness, and fear that's so overwhelming that it stops us in our tracks. The past seems to rob us of our future. Sometimes I've felt like I couldn't put one foot in front of the other. But, as I hummed along that morning, I felt a slight lifting of that overwhelming despair. I started to think about the future a little differently, and with a little more hope. As long as I keep taking steps, even tiny ones, it will keep me from giving up completely. Every step moves me forward. And, maybe it will take all my future to live through what I experienced in the past, but as long as I keep putting one foot in front of the other, I'm OK.

Thanks for the therapy, Jimmy.

*If the Phone Doesn't Ring, It's Me
Jimmy Buffet, Will Jennings, Michael Utley
Last Mango in Paris, 1985
Margaritaville Discography
YouTube "If the Phone Doesn't Ring, It's Me

What's Happened So Far with EMDR

If you follow my blog, you might have stopped because I haven't posted in such a long time. Or, maybe you've wondered what has happened since I started EMDR therapy. Well, I'll catch you up.

EMDR has helped me bring out a lot of things that could potentially be causes for my anxiety. I've been able to discuss some of my deepest fears, my sadness, and found grief I didn't even know existed. As I promised myself from the start, I've been completely honest with my therapist, which I haven't always been in the past. It's been a rough, rocky, tear-filled journey so far. In short, I hate it.

                                                                           

But, my panic attacks have subsided. That's the part that makes it worthwhile. Here's what isn't so pleasant. My generalized anxiety and depression have deepened. I've also gone through spells of intense anger, which my therapist says is normal as you go through EMDR.

In the midst of this, I've started a new job. I'm with the same company, but it's a new job, nonetheless. Probably not the best timing, but life happens and I've always been able to cope with life. It's a job I wanted, so I didn't want to turn it down. So, my general anxiety at work is very high. According to my therapist, it takes three to six months to adjust to a new job. I'm about six weeks in, so I'm looking forward to some of the anxiety dissipating in another six weeks or so. In the meantime, I'm using my bag of techniques from CBT-Meditation, grounding, affirmations, acceptance, yoga.

As I continue to work through, I'll keep you posted on how it's going. In the meantime, if you've had EMDR therapy, please let me know in the comments section. I'd like to hear your results. Thanks for reading and being patient when I take a break!

A New Kind of Therapy

Several times over the last two or three years, my regular therapist recommended that I try EMDR therapy. EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing and is considered to be an effective treatment for victims of trauma. I ignored my therapist's gentle suggestions and stayed with what I was comfortable with, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, which is his primary treatment method. In my mind, EMDR wasn't going to help. I don't remember being a victim of a trauma. I mean, sure, I grew up in a dysfunctional family, but so did a zillion other people. And, yes, I have a lot of childhood amnesia, which is a symptom of trauma, but maybe there's just not that much worth remembering. And, then there's that icky, sad, anxious feeling I get whenever I think about what it was like when I was a kid, but surely, if I was a victim of a trauma, I'd remember it, right?

Finally, this year, with my anxiety at peak levels, I knew I had to try something new. My experience last summer with the CLARITY intensive outpatient program helped, but I was still having pretty severe anxiety, weird physical symptoms that my doctors couldn't explain, and it was starting to cause me to miss school and work. Until then, I'd never missed work because of anxiety. I'd always been able to tough it out. I was desperate to find something to help me before anxiety took control of my life. So, I asked my therapist why he thought EMDR would help, since I don't remember being a victim of a trauma. He told me that it has shown good results for people with anxiety and panic attacks and suggested that I just talk to an EMDR therapist on the phone and learn more. (My therapist doesn't do EMDR.) So, I agreed, he gave me a referral, I called the therapist, and got a lot of information. The EMDR therapist said he didn't want to waste my time or money if he didn't think EMDR would help, so he also got a lot of information from me. He got my permission to talk with my regular therapist, and a release from me so he could talk with the therapists at CLARITY. After several phone conversations and emails, he and I agreed to meet.

I was anxious (no surprise there, right?) when I went to my first session. We had a get-to-know-each-other conversation, paperwork, and some history to go over. After meeting him, I decided I wanted to continue with the therapy, and left with a lot of homework and an appointment in two weeks. My promise to myself was that I was going to be completely honest with myself and my new therapist during this process, something I don't think I've always done in past therapy. Some of my phobias, fears, physical sensations, and thoughts are so embarrassing that I don't want to admit them. And, sometimes, I feel like I'm making a big deal out of nothing, so I just don't bring things up. No more. So what if your therapist thinks you're crazy? Isn't that why you're going there?

I've had five sessions so far. Yes, they've been hard, and I've been disturbed by some of the things that have come up in our conversations. Some of them made my cry and I hate to cry. Today I had my first experience with the actual tactile stimulation that's used in EMDR. (Some therapists use eye movement, some use sounds, some use tapping, and some use vibration. Mine uses vibration.) And, yes, some images came across, and I had some uncomfortable physical sensations, but I knew I could stop at any time. I made it through, and feel like I'm making progress. I very much want to be better, to be less anxious, and I know it can take continuous work and practice. I'm willing to do it.

I found this website in case you want to learn more about EMDR. EMDR.com

Go Away

Anxiety, you're a sneaky fellow. You come slipping in when I'm feeling just fine. You, with your sense of dread and doom. You, telling me to be afraid of things that aren't there. You, telling me that something is wrong when it's not. You make my body feel all sorts of things that may or may not be real. You take all the pleasure out of things I'd normally enjoy. You make my mind focus on things that might go wrong. You take away my appetite, you cause my heart to race, and my throat and chest to hurt. Maybe you're just being overprotective, like a mama who's too worried about her child. But, I don't think so. I think you're mean. I think you're trying to make my life difficult. I think you just want to see if you can win with your scary tactics and fake frights. But, you won't win. I'm tougher than you. God made me stronger than you. I hate you. Go away.

Learning to Breathe

Most of the time, we don't think about breathing, right? We just go about our business and we're breathing. Oh, we might think about it when we hurry up a flight of stairs, or go out for a run (not that I'd know anything about that)! Maybe when we do yoga or meditate we'll focus on breathing. Or, if we have panic attacks, we might check our breathing. But, in general, it's safe to say we don't spend a ton of time thinking about breathing. We just do it.

Last week I was having an anxious week. I wasn't having any full-blown panic attacks, but my generalized anxiety was pretty strong. I felt tense, my appetite was poor, I had a sense of unease that I couldn't seem to escape. To top it off, my acid reflux was really terrible. I decided to see if I could find some yoga poses on YouTube that would help with acid reflux and digestion. Well, sure enough I found a great one. (If you happen to have acid reflux, also known as GERD, check out this link. Yoga for Heartburn with Adriene) And, like most yoga practices, this one began with taking deep breaths. As I began deep breathing, I noticed that I was so anxious I wasn't taking normal breaths. I was taking small, shallow breaths, and my body was a mass of tense muscles. I was holding my stomach, hips, and shoulders so tightly that they hurt. Of course, as I did the yoga poses, I began to breathe, relax, and lose the tension in my body, as well as helping the acid reflux.

The next day, I woke up with morning anxiety. As I did a few yoga poses to relieve the anxiety, I wondered why I never think to check on my breathing unless I'm having a panic attack. During yoga, when I breathe fully and relax my tight muscles, my anxiety lessens. Why not try to put this into practice throughout the day? Now, granted, I can't stop and do a yoga pose in every situation, unless I want to get some weird looks. But I can take full breaths and relax my muscles.

As the day went by, every time I started feeling the twinge that means anxiety is building, I reminded myself to breathe all the way down into my belly. I checked in with my body and deliberately relaxed my stomach, hips, and shoulders. I made myself relax into the anxiety instead of fighting it. The results were good. Instead of building up, the anxiety would start melting.

I've continued to practice this with good results. I've also starting checking with myself even when I'm not feeling anxious to see how I'm breathing. And, what I've learned is this- Most of the time, I take short, shallow breaths and my stomach, hips, and shoulders are sucked in tight. They actually hurt. But, stopping frequently to breathe fully and relax my tense muscles is helping reduce my anxiety. My appetite has improved, my sense of unease is less. I've even felt more energetic.

I think I'll continue to breathe. Breathe deeply and fully. I'll drop my shoulders, relax my stomach and hips. And, just breathe.

Winter Blues

This has been the longest, coldest, grayest winter I can remember. I live in the South. I'm not used to this kind of weather. But, I don't mind the cold so much. In fact, I kind of like it. What I don't like are the gray days. When late fall arrives and the days shorten, my anxiety increases. And, it's always a little more trouble to manage till the longer, lighter days of spring begin to arrive. In this year's seemingly never-ending winter, I've felt my anxiety symptoms increase, and I've also been tired and irritable. I've had to be more conscientious than usual about managing my anxiety.

The first step in making it a little easier to manage is recognizing and accepting that my anxiety is worse during the winter. It's a little less frightening when I remember that this happens every winter and that it's common, even in people who don't normally have depression or anxiety.

The second step is to not get lazy about using daily techniques to reduce anxiety and depression, like grounding, progressive muscle relaxation, gratitude, prayer, and exercise.

The third step is to keep moving. No matter how appealing it is stay curled up on the sofa with a blanket when I don't have to be somewhere, it's important to do things like household chores, errand running, or just getting out and going to a coffee shop to read or write. Being around other people helps alleviate the sense of isolation that anxiety brings.

The fourth step is to keep my body comfortable. Anxiety makes us tense, can cause stomach issues, body pains, and other physical symptoms. I take warm baths, go for short walks, see the chiropractor for adjustments, and get massages.

The fifth step is to get outside when the sun happens to shine. I've noticed that being in the sun, even for a short time, lifts my mood. If you can't get outside, try sitting near a window where you can see the light. Or, it's a little weird, but if it's too cold to want to be outside for long, I'll sit in my car in the sunshine for a bit and listen to the radio!

Other small things are helpful, too. For instance, staying at a comfortable temperature reduces my anxiety. I've noticed my anxiety symptoms increase if I have to be in an uncomfortably cold environment. Conversely, some places are kept too warm in the winter and can make me feel hot and anxious. If I dress in layers where I can stay reasonably comfortable wherever I go I'm less likely to get anxious.

Eating well is also good for anxiety. In the winter, we tend to eat more and eat heavier foods. Eating warm, comforting food is great for decreasing anxiety and depression, but overeating, eating foods that are high in sodium and sugar, and not getting enough fruits and vegetables can make my anxiety worse. We just bought a NutriBullet at our house and it's helped me be sure I'm getting enough green, leafy veggies during this cold, long winter.

As I wait for spring, I look forward to more daylight, warmer temperatures, and seeing the daffodils show their pretty faces. In the meantime, you'll find me staying warm, looking out the window in search of sunshine, and remembering I'm not the only one whose anxiety is worse in the winter.

My Tried and True Tool for Panic Attacks

There's one tool I always turn to when I'm anxious. It helps prevent panic attacks and shortens an attack if I'm having one. If I do it every day, or even a few days a week, it lowers my generalized anxiety. It's my go-to, tried and true, helps-every-time technique called Progressive Muscle Relaxation.

I heard about it years ago when my therapist recommended "The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook" by Edmund Bourne, which became my favorite book on anxiety. Although my therapist recommended reading the whole book, he specifically wanted me to learn how to use this technique. And, I've been using it ever since. Without fail, Progressive Muscle Relaxation provides me with some relief from both generalized anxiety and from panic attacks. It works best if I practice it a minimum of three times a week, more if my anxiety is acute. And, if a panic attack is starting, I've found that it reduces the symptoms and shortens the attack. In other words, I can keep it from turning into a full-blown panic attack, which I ALWAYS want to avoid.

Progressive Muscle Relaxation isn't new. It was developed in the 1930's by a physician, Dr. Edmund Jacobson, and originally had over 200 exercises to reduce stress. Thankfully, it doesn't take all 200 exercises to reduce anxiety; about 15-20 are commonly used. And, don't freak out over the word exercise. No work-out is involved. If you read my blog often, you know I'm not using something that involves a work-out...

So, how do you go about doing this amazing technique? It's pretty simple. It involves systematically tensing and releasing your muscles while breathing. You can do it lying down or sitting in a chair. If you're doing the whole series of movements it takes about 20 minutes, and a dim, quiet place is ideal. However, I've found doing even a few movements under the table at a business meeting or sitting on a plane can be helpful. I first learned to do it following the written instructions in the book, but now I use a guide that I downloaded. Actually, once you have it memorized you don't really need a guide. I just like the voice and the music.

To learn the technique you can click on this script I found online that was adapted from Edmund Bourne's book. Or, you can download a guide. The one I like is by Ken Goodman and I found it on the iTunes store. You can also get it from his website.

Let me know what happens when you try it. I hope it helps you as much as it's helped me!

Love and Anxiety

I thought I'd write about love since Valentine's Day is this week. Specifically, I want to write about how being loved has helped me with my anxiety. A bit of a love letter to my husband, actually.

It can't be easy to live with someone who has anxiety disorder. The panic attacks, the sense of doom, the phobias. It must all be hard to understand for someone without anxiety disorder. They even seem irrational to me, so I can't imagine how irrational they must seem to my husband. But, in spite of that, he's always ready to offer support. He's always available to listen or just pat my back. He never tries to tell me that it's all in my head, or that I need to get over it. He talks to me, asks me if I'm using my tools for managing panic, and even gets out a list I once gave him of things that help me when I have a panic attack. He's never once complained about the cost of therapy or trips to the ER when I was sure I was going to die. He's been to doctors and ER's with me and comforted me. He knows the situations that trigger my anxiety and helps me through them. He supports my decisions about my treatment. And, most importantly, when I have a tough time, he reminds me that I'll get through it and that he'll be there with me. He reminds me that we're in this together.

Love is a powerful tool for helping with anxiety. I'm thankful that I have my husband's love.

The Doctor is In

One of the worst triggers for my anxiety is a visit to the doctor. To make it worse, I worry obsessively about my health. Back in the day they called it being a hypochondriac. These days, the fancy term is "medical anxiety." Well, let me tell you, I've got medical anxiety in every sense of the term. I'm anxious  that there's something physically wrong with me, and I'm anxious if I have to go to the doctor to be checked out.

One of the worst parts of having anxiety and panic attacks is that most of the symptoms are also symptoms for scary stuff, like heart attacks and strokes. Chest pain, tingling hands, numbness, feeling like you can't breathe, dizziness, nausea. The list goes on. Google those symptoms and you're going to find things you don't want to have. And, when anxiety starts to spiral, your mind starts saying things like, "This feels different than it ever has before." Or, "This time there really is something wrong."

Also, for those of us with medical anxiety, every twinge, every slight pain, every twitch or muscle jump takes on significance. We constantly scan our bodies for changes, are hyper-vigilant about our breathing and heartbeat. We have unrealistic expectations about how good we should feel, so that if we catch two colds in a row we think it's because of some scary, underlying disease.

The question is, what do you do? If you run to the doctor with every symptom, you'll be broke, because the doctor will be professionally obligated to run tests because the symptoms are similar to the ones for serious physical illnesses. And, believe me, I've done this. Or, if the thought of going to the doctor creates so much anxiety that you can't bring yourself to go, you don't get the medical care you need. I've done that, too.

The best answer I've come up with is to find medical professionals that understand anxiety disorders and are willing to work with you. This has meant being very honest with my medical doctors and their staffs, being able to tell them about my anxiety without being worried they'll think I'm a lunatic, and then very honestly describing any symptoms. I've been happily surprised that most of the medical professionals I've used have been understanding about anxiety and have answered my questions patiently. They've explained why I should or shouldn't have tests or medications, and have understood that to treat me properly they also have to take my anxiety into consideration. It's also meant finding doctors who have great phone nurses who're able to talk with me and (with the doctor's input) determine if I need to come in. In fact, some of my doctors take the time to call me personally. This eliminates a lot of unnecessary office visits and alleviates a lot of my health fears.

Does this mean I'm cool, calm, and collected at the doctor's office? NO! I'm a mass of jittery nerves. But, when they call my name and I head back, I remind both the staff and the doctor that I have anxiety about being there. And, it's almost always a part of the discussion I have with the doctor. After all, they always notice that my pulse is fast and my blood pressure's up! And, almost without fail, everyone is calm, reassuring, and understanding. No one has acted like I'm a lunatic, that they're annoyed with me, or that it's "all in my head." And, if they did, I'd change doctors...

Flexing Your Mental Muscles

The other day I read an article from Forbes called "Mentally Strong People: The 13 Things They Avoid." The article was hugely popular and was shared like crazy on social media. I read it when Healthy Place (one of my favorite mental health websites) posted it on their Facebook page. You can read the article and form your own opinion about mental strength. The main reason I mentioned it here is because it made me start thinking about the concept of being "mentally strong."

What exactly does "mentally strong" mean? Does it mean you're smart? Does it mean you're in control of your emotions? Does it mean you'll be more successful, more happy, more capable if you're "mentally strong"? And, exactly who decides what it means to be "mentally strong"?

I decided to come up with my own definition. And, here's what I think.

Mentally strong people get out of bed every morning and put one foot in front of the other, even when they're so anxious they feel like their hearts will come out of their chests. They continue through the day even when their thoughts won't stop racing around in their brains. They go to their therapists and talk about things that scare them, that depress them. They use the tools their therapists teach them, even when it seems like they don't work. They take the medicines their doctors prescribe, even when they don't like the side effects. They keep trying, keep getting up, keep going no matter how hard it is. When they feel better, they celebrate. When anxiety or depression sets in again, they still get out of bed in the morning. When it's so bad they can't get out of bed, they remind themselves that it won't be so bad tomorrow and they'll be able to get up again. They do whatever it takes to keep themselves safe from the frightening, depressing, anxious thoughts that run through their heads. They hang on to the memory of the days when they felt a little less anxious, a little less depressed. And, then, they get out of bed again and put one foot in front of the other. And, eventually, they feel better.

To me, mental strength has less to do with the characteristics of people who achieve what our society calls success and more to do with living your life the best way you're able. It has to do with trying new things when the old ones aren't working. It has to do with going forward no matter how much you want to stop. It means you never, ever, give up.

Grounding

Have you ever used a technique called "grounding" when you felt anxious? I learned about it when I was in the Clarity program that I mentioned in a previous blog. Grounding is a set of easy strategies that allow you to detach from emotional pain by focusing outward on the external world instead of inward towards yourself.  For me, it helps stop a panic attack from accelerating. It also stops me from ruminating or "catastrophising" when my thoughts start heading down their familiar, depressing paths.

Grounding gives you ways to detach yourself so that you can gain control over your thoughts and feelings. It anchors you to the present, to reality, and puts you at a healthy distance from the thoughts that create anxiety or depression. The best thing is that it's easy to do any time, any place, and no one can tell what you're doing. It also gives me immediate gratification by reducing anxiety or depression.

There are three ways of grounding: Mental, physical, and soothing. Mental works best for me, but I've described all three ways here so you can discover which is best for you. And, if you get bored easily, it's good to have options.

Mental grounding means focusing on your mind. Some ways to use mental grounding are:
~Describe your environment in great detail silently (or out loud if you're in a place where it's appropriate.) For example, "The walls are tan, there is a blue sofa with three red cushions, and a window with a green tree outside."
~Read something, saying each word deliberately. Or, say the letters of the words rather than reading the words.
~Count forward or backwards slowly, or say the alphabet.

Physical grounding is focusing on your senses. Some ideas for physical grounding are:
~Run warm or cold water over your hands. Focus on how the water feels on your skin.
~Grab tightly on to your chair as hard as you can. Concentrate on how the chair feels.
~Walk slowly, noticing each footstep and saying "left" or "right" with each step.

Soothing grounding is talking to yourself in a very kind way. To ground yourself with soothing you can:
~Say kind statements, either silently or out loud, almost as if you're talking to a child. For instance, "You're coping with this situation well," or, "You'll get through this because you're using all your tools correctly."
~Think of your list of favorites, like your favorite color, food, animal, season, book, or movie.
~ Remember the words to a comforting or inspiring song, poem, or quote.

Like anything else that's new, grounding takes a little practice. You can even practice when you're not feeling anxious or depressed, just to get in the habit. At first, try all the types of grounding to see if one is more effective than another. Since it's hard for me to remember things when anxiety or depression start to spiral, I also wrote down some grounding techniques on a card and keep it in my purse. And, just in case I don't have my purse, I put the same techniques on the notes app on my phone, since I never go anywhere without that! That way, if anxiety strikes, I'm prepared.

I hope this gives you a new tool to use if you start to feel anxiety or depression creeping up. Always remind yourself that anxiety and depression are feelings. They don't define who you are. And, if you keep using your tools, you will feel better.

How Do You Feel About the New Year?

New year. Fresh start. Resolutions. Hmmm. It seems this is the time of year when people are setting goals, planning, and looking forward. For me, it can be a time of sadness. I tend to look at the year that has passed. It makes me feel I'm running out of time to accomplish what I want to do, so I'm overwhelmed by all I didn't get done. Then, focusing on new goals becomes exhausting. And, there I go again, with the ruts in my brain looking at the gloomy side of things. So, what can I do to cope with the anxiety this thinking creates?

After looking through my mental box of tips and tools, I came up with a plan to cope with my new year's anxiety. I decided to live in the present. Anxiety (depression, too) can be caused by living in the past or worrying about the future. So, when I have thoughts about the things I didn't accomplish, I can put each thought on a leaf and let it float down the river and out of my head, figuratively speaking. When I start to worry about how I'll get new things done, I can remind myself of this quote from Thomas Jefferson. "How much pain they have cost us, the evils which have never happened." I can get up from my wall of worry and over-thinking and get busy with a simple task. Almost every time I focus on a task, I notice my anxiety is less, or even goes away, because it's very hard to think about two things at once. (Side note-that's why multi-tasking is actually almost impossible.)

I'm already feeling better, because now I have a plan. A very simple plan that is SMART. Strategic, measurable, actionable, relevant, and timed, as all good plans should be!

I'd love to know how you're coping with the coming New Year. Do you have a plan? How do you feel? I hope to see some comments, and if you have any tools that work for you, please include those, too!

Rather than saying 'Happy New Year," I think I'll say to my readers, "Here's to a new year that's right for you, with less anxiety and more peace."

Happy Holidays???

These days the pages of social media are filled with posts and pictures of holiday beauty, merriment, family, and faith. Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Google +...The list goes on. If you're looking at them, or even just reading good old-fashioned holiday cards or the ubiquitous family newsletter that's often sent this time of year, it may look like everyone's leading a lovely life. And, if you're a person with mental illness, you may wonder why you don't have all the joy that others seem to have. Or, you may feel jealous of all that happiness and wish you could feel it, too.

I am very fortunate, and I actually have a pretty lovely life. But, anxiety and depression sometime make it hard to feel the happiness that should accompany my life. The symptoms can blunt feelings of happiness. And, my medication causes a reduction of feelings at both ends of the spectrum. In other words, anxiety and depression are less, but also feelings of joy, excitement, and expectation are reduced. I really, really miss those super-excited, over-the-top, giddy moments.

But, when I start missing those moments, I take a breath, acknowledge that I miss them, and then replace those thoughts with gratitude that I'm not filled with anxiety. That I'm not deeply depressed. I remind myself that the more thoughts I have of gratitude, of happiness, of goodness, the greater chance I have of experiencing those feelings. And, every once in a while, I actually have a moment of super-excited, over-the-top, giddiness. When that happens, I savor it for all it's worth!

Is Your Christmas Merry?

Are you filled with holiday cheer? Are your jingle bells jingling? Is Santa up on your rooftop? I hope your holidays are looking like a Hallmark movie or a Publix commercial. But if they're not, don't despair. Neither are anyone else's.  The time from Thanksgiving to New Year's is prime time for anxiety and depression. There's usually too much to do, relatives to see that you'd really rather not, disappointment when you can't schedule a time to see people you really want to, and budgets that are stretched thin. Or, on the opposite side of the coin, some of us don't have family, friends, parties, and shopping to take care of. This loneliness can be isolating to anyone, especially if you have anxiety and depression.

I'm not always good about preparing myself for situations that trigger anxiety. I tend to approach them with an attitude of, "Oh, this time I'll feel fine." I ignore the symptoms as they creep up instead of acknowledging them. When I feel good I toss my tools out the window and expect to continue to feel good. It's kind of like never changing your oil and expecting your car to continue to run well. But, this holiday season I decided to make a list of the things that make my holidays bright. I decided not to try to control anything about the holidays except what I can personally control. I decided to practice acceptance and gratitude. So here's my list of holiday anxiety relievers. Remember, these are what I like to do and might not be right for everyone. Create your own list, check it twice, and maybe your days will be a little more merry and bright.

1. Make time to pray, do progressive muscle relaxation, and get enough sleep.

2. Plan time to volunteer.

3. Keep a gratitude journal.

4. Listen to Christmas music. It's my favorite part of the holidays.

5. Keep my tree lights on whenever I'm home.

6. Light an evergreen scented candle.

7. Hang out with friends.

8. Practice acceptance of how the holidays unfold.

9. Understand that others' holiday expectations may not be like mine.

10. Be in the present.

11. Be kind to myself and others.

Merry Christmas and happy holidays, everyone!

Good Grief

For those of us with anxiety and/or depression, grief can be hard. Unbearable even. It can send us into a downward spiral that we want to avoid at all cost. So, I typically choose not to grief. Sounds like the perfect solution, right? Well, not actually. Grief is part of the healing process that needs to occur after a loss. Any kind of loss, whether it's the death of a loved one, the end of a relationship, or losing a job, can and should cause us to grieve. Clearly, I'm not an expert on grief, but I used some tools that helped me when we chose to have our beloved black lab, Coal, put down the Friday before Thanksgiving.

Most of us aren't comfortable with death, but talking or hearing about it creates true anxiety for me. Things that I can't control trigger anxiety in me, and death is something I feel like I have no control over. So, any reminder of our mortality can create anxiety for me. So, when it became evident Coal's condition was deteriorating, I began to worry. It reminded me we all will die and that I will die. It made me sad because we'd had Coal since the day he was born. He'd been part of our life for almost 17 years. It reminded me of when we had to have his mama put down. It reminded me of when we took my own mama off life support. It made me think of my beloved Nanny's death. Anxiety mounted. I don't like like to think about people or pets after they die. Remember, I don't grieve, so I don't reach a point where I can remember them with any joy or peace. I don't understand people who tell stories and talk about those they've lost. I just try not to feel anything. If I start feeling anything I might not be able to stop. I might just grieve forever. The pain won't stop. I'll be stuck with fear and sadness forever.

When we began to talk about having Coal put down, the sense of dread and anxiety started. But, this time, I started using some tools and techniques to help me. Reality based thinking helped. I felt like I had no control over the situation, but was that really true? I could make choices about Coal's comfort, quality of life, and how he was euthanized. I could practice acceptance by living more comfortably in the unpredictability of life and acquiring a willingness to take life as it comes. I could remind myself that feelings don't last forever and that I can let go of my sadness. And, I could practice gratitude by being thankful for all the years we had with our sweet old doggie.

As I watched our adult son say good-bye to a dog he'd known most of his life, I cried, but was able to remember the two of them playing together instead of shutting down the memory for fear of the pain. As I talked with our daughter who lives in another city, I cried, but believed her when she said we were making the right decision. As we watched Coal peacefully slip from this life, I cried, and was a little less afraid that I would cry forever. And, as I write this post, I'm crying, but know that the tears will stop, that the feelings will pass, and that grief can be good.

How Gratitude Relieves Anxiety

It's Thanksgiving today so I thought I'd write about, well, giving thanks. Or, in other words, gratitude.  Gratitude is defined as "the quality or feeling of being grateful or thankful." That quality and feeling hasn't always been present with me. When I'm feeling anxious or depressed my mind always jumps on the well-travelled path of worry. The path of what-ifs. Of catastrophes and worst-case scenarios. I've travelled this path so often I've created "ruts in my brain." Ruts of anxiety. Of sadness. In my jittery life, I was sure if I thought about everything that could possibly happen, I could somehow be in control. I could stop the worst-case scenario. Then, my mind would think up a scenario I couldn't control. Panic! But, when I began to recognize that going down that path doesn't prevent bad things from happening, that I can't control everything, I needed to make a new path to travel. I needed to start creating new ruts in my brain. And the path I've chosen is gratitude.

I started thinking more about gratitude when I was in Clarity, the intensive therapy program I wrote about in my last post. One of the tools for recovery thinking that we learned was gratitude. Particularly, we learned about keeping a gratitude journal. Once a week we wrote down five things we were thankful for. When we started, it surprised me how little I was thinking about what I was grateful for. I was so focused on the worrying, the what-ifs, (see complete list above...) that my jittery brain had no time or energy for thankfulness. For my first journal entry I had to think really hard to come up with five things to be thankful for. I finally decided to start with the basics and I wrote down five things that, honestly, I have always taken for granted. Shelter. Food. Water. Car. Clothing. I wrote them down and was startled that the very act of writing them down warmed my heart. It also gave me a written reference so that when anxiety strikes I can pull out my journal and fill the ruts in my jumbled brain with thoughts of gratitude. And, amazingly, I saw how filling my mind with gratefulness left less room for thoughts that create feelings of anxiety and depression.

Each week it's easier to find five things I'm thankful for. Sometimes I can't limit it to five! And, now I make it a practice every day to remind myself that I need to look around and name the things that are good in my life. And, slowly, surely, the ruts in my brain are less full of worry and more full of gratitude.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Hello Again!

Well, it's been a while since I last posted, but I was inspired today by a friend who also has anxiety and depression. I was telling her about a three week intensive outpatient therapy program I did back in the summer called Clarity. Connecting Lives; Activating Resources; Integrating the Total You. It was a life changer. I don't actually like the phrase "life changer." It's overly dramatic and overused. But, Clarity really did give me some tools that changed the way I manage my anxiety and it has decreased to a much more comfortable level. (As if there's anything comfortable about anxiety disorder...) So, it was a life changer for me.

My therapist recommended the program because I was making a transition from employment to going back to school and, as much as I wanted to make this change, it was creating depression and anxiety. And, being me, I was in denial that the transition would cause me stress. I tend to think I should sail through everything without a bump. "I can handle anything!" "This is no big deal!" "I'm looking forward to this, why should I be anxious?" Wrong!! Like everyone, transitions (good or bad) create some anxiety. And, for me, that's usually not a little anxiety. I like to do it up right, with BIG anxiety, toss in some depression for good measure, and all the while tell myself I should be ashamed for not being able to handle it.

Many of the things I learned while in the Clarity program I already knew, but wasn't putting into practice. But, there was something about going to therapy three hours a day, four days a week, that made me focus and realize I could be so much better if I used all my tools. And, I picked up some new skills, too. The program is in three segments, one per week-Safety, Recovery Thinking, and Communication. Each day reminded me of the tools I already had and gave me some new ones to add. Here are some of the things I learned in Clarity:

Trust myself and other people who deserve my trust. It's pretty hard not to feel anxious if you don't think there's anyone you can trust.

Take good care of my body. Eating, sleeping, exercising, relaxing, in the proper amounts, all play a
big role in managing anxiety.

Deliberately change my emotional climate. I can choose to change how I react to the way I feel about things and I can change my thoughts.

Use grounding to detach from emotional pain and anxiety. There are three major ways of grounding-mental, physical, and soothing. I'll cover those is a future blog post. This was huge for me!

Thoughts and feelings are liars.

Constantly feed my soul. For me, this is deepening my relationship with God. This program isn't religion-based, but spirituality, however you view that, is part of it.

Feel gratitude daily. My life seems pretty awesome when I list out the specific things I have,
materially and otherwise.

Now that I'm back to blogging, I'll share more about some of these tools in future posts. I'm looking forward to your comments, and I'm glad to be back!

Is it Like Walking and Chewing Gum?

Like so many people who want to meditate, I find it hard to think about, well, nothing. The whole concept of clearing my mind is hard to grasp. How on earth do you stop your thoughts? My friend Christine and I were talking about this. She said she can't meditate because she can't turn off her "rat brain." Rat brain is an apt description if I ever heard one. Thoughts continually scurry through my head like rats in a maze. If I'm anxious, they scurry even faster. I told her to try 100 breaths meditation. I can do that because the breaths help me focus by counting. But, I told her, I really want to try this thing I've heard about called walking meditation. Somehow, I think I can clear my mind more easily if I'm up and moving.

So, a few days later, I decided to give it a try.  I had looked up "how to do walking meditation" and, armed with my newfound knowledge, I was ready to go. I walked out the front door and was hit with a blast of Tennessee summer humidity that made me quickly realize that walking at the nearby greenway would not be in my best interest unless I wanted to do a "melt"-itation. Determined that I was going to try walking meditation, I decided to drive to the community center in my neighborhood and use its walking track. Nothing I'd read said walking meditation HAD to be done outside! All you need is a place that's relatively quiet and peaceful. Feeling clever, I drove to the community center and went in, expecting only a few retirees to be there during the early afternoon hours. Wrong. I had conveniently forgotten that community centers, being the center of the community and all, have summer camp programs for school children. Really active, really energetic, really LOUD children. "Ok," I thought, "I'm still gonna do this. These kids aren't allowed on the walking track, so all I need to do is listen to meditation music to drown out the noise." I reached for my earbuds and realized I'd left them at home. I'd planned to walk on the greenway and listen to the sounds of nature. I thought, "I can still do this. Meditation is being mindful and in the present moment. That's all I have to do." Never mind that I have trouble meditating in the silence of early morning in my quiet bedroom with meditation music playing. I wanted to clear my mind now! I was determined to clear my mind now. I remembered that I was supposed to start a walking meditation by standing still and feeling the sensation of my feet firmly planted on the ground. I stood, I felt. Then inhale with one step, exhale with the next. I started. Step, step. Inhale, exhale. Repeat. Those kids were loud. They were filled with the exuberance of kids in the summer, released from sitting still and learning all day. They were alternately so cute to watch, or so irritatingly loud and annoying that I couldn't ignore them. My meditation goal was 15 minutes. "I'll never clear my mind for 15 minutes with all this noise and energy!" Then I remembered I was supposed to let thoughts pass through, bring my mind to the present, focus on the breath. OK, getting a little easier. Then without really even thinking about it, I realized that I was thinking, "walk, walk," with each step I took. My mind was clearing, staying in the moment. And, after two laps, without any thought at all, I ran a lap. My mind said, "step, step" with each running step I took. I would walk two laps, run one, totally mindful of the moment with nothing but the words "walk" and "step" in my mind. When my phone's timer went off I was completely surprised that 15 minutes had passed. I set it for another 15 and continued in my pleasantly cleared state of mind. I no longer heard the kids. I was no longer distracted by their darting, running, jumping, and game playing. I was just walking, running. And, meditating.

"Every path, every street in the world is your walking meditation path." Thich Nhat Hanh

                                                                     

Let the Sun Shine

I forget that it's OK not to worry. Somewhere along the way in life, I got the idea that if I worried about all the bad things that could happen I could somehow prevent them from happening. I also got the idea that if I wasn't worried about something, it was a guarantee that something bad would happen. So I worried as a preventive measure. I also refused to enjoy anything too much. Enjoying something was a sure fire way to make something bad happen. Stare blissfully at the waves of the ocean while on vacation? Ooops. Better not get too relaxed. You just have to go back to work next week. Gaze with amazement while one of my babies slept? Stop it. She could get a terrible disease and die and you won't get to see her grow up. Breathe in that wonderful new car smell as you drive off the lot? Don't do it. You could lose your job next week and not be able to make the car payments. It was like always having a black cloud over my head. It was the "if I worry enough about something I can prevent it from happening" cloud. Or, maybe it was the "if I don't enjoy this very much it won't hurt so much when I lose it" cloud. I had a huge expectation that things would go wrong. I was the epitome of that expression "I feel like there's a black cloud over my head."

The funny part of it is that, of course, none of this was true. Worrying about whether something bad will happen doesn't prevent it. And, enjoying something can't make something bad happen. Being on high alert for the bad in things just makes you anxious, depressed, and not able to function at the capacity of which you're able. It means you can't be fully present for your job, your family, your relationships, or, most importantly, yourself.

Now I've learned that letting the sun shine around my black cloud is not only OK, it can actually make the dark clouds disappear. Sure, bad things are going to happen. There will be times when there are dark clouds in your life, but when they're not there, enjoy it. Don't worry about when the next storm will come. When I feel those clouds appearing without good reason, I literally start to visualize how it looks when the sun begins to peak out after a storm. I imagine the warmth and beauty of a pretty day and I let the sun shine into my jittery life.