Flexing Your Mental Muscles

The other day I read an article from Forbes called "Mentally Strong People: The 13 Things They Avoid." The article was hugely popular and was shared like crazy on social media. I read it when Healthy Place (one of my favorite mental health websites) posted it on their Facebook page. You can read the article and form your own opinion about mental strength. The main reason I mentioned it here is because it made me start thinking about the concept of being "mentally strong."

What exactly does "mentally strong" mean? Does it mean you're smart? Does it mean you're in control of your emotions? Does it mean you'll be more successful, more happy, more capable if you're "mentally strong"? And, exactly who decides what it means to be "mentally strong"?

I decided to come up with my own definition. And, here's what I think.

Mentally strong people get out of bed every morning and put one foot in front of the other, even when they're so anxious they feel like their hearts will come out of their chests. They continue through the day even when their thoughts won't stop racing around in their brains. They go to their therapists and talk about things that scare them, that depress them. They use the tools their therapists teach them, even when it seems like they don't work. They take the medicines their doctors prescribe, even when they don't like the side effects. They keep trying, keep getting up, keep going no matter how hard it is. When they feel better, they celebrate. When anxiety or depression sets in again, they still get out of bed in the morning. When it's so bad they can't get out of bed, they remind themselves that it won't be so bad tomorrow and they'll be able to get up again. They do whatever it takes to keep themselves safe from the frightening, depressing, anxious thoughts that run through their heads. They hang on to the memory of the days when they felt a little less anxious, a little less depressed. And, then, they get out of bed again and put one foot in front of the other. And, eventually, they feel better.

To me, mental strength has less to do with the characteristics of people who achieve what our society calls success and more to do with living your life the best way you're able. It has to do with trying new things when the old ones aren't working. It has to do with going forward no matter how much you want to stop. It means you never, ever, give up.

How Do You Feel About the New Year?

New year. Fresh start. Resolutions. Hmmm. It seems this is the time of year when people are setting goals, planning, and looking forward. For me, it can be a time of sadness. I tend to look at the year that has passed. It makes me feel I'm running out of time to accomplish what I want to do, so I'm overwhelmed by all I didn't get done. Then, focusing on new goals becomes exhausting. And, there I go again, with the ruts in my brain looking at the gloomy side of things. So, what can I do to cope with the anxiety this thinking creates?

After looking through my mental box of tips and tools, I came up with a plan to cope with my new year's anxiety. I decided to live in the present. Anxiety (depression, too) can be caused by living in the past or worrying about the future. So, when I have thoughts about the things I didn't accomplish, I can put each thought on a leaf and let it float down the river and out of my head, figuratively speaking. When I start to worry about how I'll get new things done, I can remind myself of this quote from Thomas Jefferson. "How much pain they have cost us, the evils which have never happened." I can get up from my wall of worry and over-thinking and get busy with a simple task. Almost every time I focus on a task, I notice my anxiety is less, or even goes away, because it's very hard to think about two things at once. (Side note-that's why multi-tasking is actually almost impossible.)

I'm already feeling better, because now I have a plan. A very simple plan that is SMART. Strategic, measurable, actionable, relevant, and timed, as all good plans should be!

I'd love to know how you're coping with the coming New Year. Do you have a plan? How do you feel? I hope to see some comments, and if you have any tools that work for you, please include those, too!

Rather than saying 'Happy New Year," I think I'll say to my readers, "Here's to a new year that's right for you, with less anxiety and more peace."

Hello Again!

Well, it's been a while since I last posted, but I was inspired today by a friend who also has anxiety and depression. I was telling her about a three week intensive outpatient therapy program I did back in the summer called Clarity. Connecting Lives; Activating Resources; Integrating the Total You. It was a life changer. I don't actually like the phrase "life changer." It's overly dramatic and overused. But, Clarity really did give me some tools that changed the way I manage my anxiety and it has decreased to a much more comfortable level. (As if there's anything comfortable about anxiety disorder...) So, it was a life changer for me.

My therapist recommended the program because I was making a transition from employment to going back to school and, as much as I wanted to make this change, it was creating depression and anxiety. And, being me, I was in denial that the transition would cause me stress. I tend to think I should sail through everything without a bump. "I can handle anything!" "This is no big deal!" "I'm looking forward to this, why should I be anxious?" Wrong!! Like everyone, transitions (good or bad) create some anxiety. And, for me, that's usually not a little anxiety. I like to do it up right, with BIG anxiety, toss in some depression for good measure, and all the while tell myself I should be ashamed for not being able to handle it.

Many of the things I learned while in the Clarity program I already knew, but wasn't putting into practice. But, there was something about going to therapy three hours a day, four days a week, that made me focus and realize I could be so much better if I used all my tools. And, I picked up some new skills, too. The program is in three segments, one per week-Safety, Recovery Thinking, and Communication. Each day reminded me of the tools I already had and gave me some new ones to add. Here are some of the things I learned in Clarity:

Trust myself and other people who deserve my trust. It's pretty hard not to feel anxious if you don't think there's anyone you can trust.

Take good care of my body. Eating, sleeping, exercising, relaxing, in the proper amounts, all play a
big role in managing anxiety.

Deliberately change my emotional climate. I can choose to change how I react to the way I feel about things and I can change my thoughts.

Use grounding to detach from emotional pain and anxiety. There are three major ways of grounding-mental, physical, and soothing. I'll cover those is a future blog post. This was huge for me!

Thoughts and feelings are liars.

Constantly feed my soul. For me, this is deepening my relationship with God. This program isn't religion-based, but spirituality, however you view that, is part of it.

Feel gratitude daily. My life seems pretty awesome when I list out the specific things I have,
materially and otherwise.

Now that I'm back to blogging, I'll share more about some of these tools in future posts. I'm looking forward to your comments, and I'm glad to be back!

Ending the Sabotage

Helen Keller said, “Self-pity is our worst enemy and if we yield to it, we can never do anything wise in this world.” Wise words from an amazing woman. I'll add to this and say that negative self-talk and self-abandonment are also our enemies. And, these three things can sabotage our ability to be confident and comfortable with ourselves. 

Self-pity makes us feel victimized, powerless, and out of control. It takes away from our capability to live a good life. It's good to feel sorry for yourself when something bad happens and acknowledge and accept your feelings. But, continuing in self-pity holds us back. As I've journeyed through life, I've had times when I felt sorry for myself because I have depression and anxiety, and it's created responses in my brain that made me feel helpless and trapped. And, even those who don't experience anxiety or depression know that feeling helpless leads to a lack of energy that holds us back from doing the things of which we're capable. 

I'm the queen of negative self-talk. It can be a product of self-pity, from hearing words that made us feel unworthy or useless, or, as in my experience, from being in situations where it was implied that we didn't measure up. You start to get what I think of as "ruts in your brain." A tiny rut is created when you hear words or experience situations that make you feel like you're not good enough. If you hear or experience it often, the rut grows deeper. Sometimes it comes from feeling sorry for yourself and feeling like a victim. Sometimes it's from the implication that we don't measure up. It can be from back-handed compliments like, "You're so pretty and polite that you don't need to be good at ..." My favorite scenario, which comes from my childhood (and was well-intentioned,) is this. You don't understand something, you ask a question, and there's a laugh. Then you hear, "It's complicated. You won't get it. But, I love you anyway."  And, you know that you'd be loved a whole lot more if you'd gotten it. At some point, you start believing all this stuff. The ruts in your brain get a little deeper every time you hear it. Eventually, when you start on something, the "ruts in your brain" give you a nagging feeling that you're not good enough to complete the task, much less succeed at the task. 

I'm also good at self-abandonment. I didn't figure out what I was doing to myself until recently, when I read Sally Brampton's book, Shoot the Damn Dog. A Memoir of Depression. (Just so you know, no dogs were harmed in the writing of the book. The dark dog refers to depression.) I tend to be more anxious than depressed (although I've experienced both) and Sally's journey has been through deep and severe depression. But, I recommend the book to anyone, and one page, that I've dogeared and read till it's a little grimy, is about self-abandonment. I'll take one quote that summed it up for me. "If somebody hurts you, and you pretend that you are fine, you abandon yourself." The passage, which includes a list of ways people abandon themselves, concludes, "You suffer from a failure of care." Some people don't care for themselves because early in life they weren't emotionally cared for and eventually began to feel unworthy of being cared for. Some people have relationships in their lives where there's an expectation of emotional care that doesn't happen. So, you stop caring for yourself. 

You sabotage your capability to feel well, to enjoy life as best you can, and to have career success, when you engage in self-pity, negative self-talk, or self-abandonment. And, whether you actually feel depressed and/or anxious, or just have a tough time achieving what you want to achieve, recognizing these behaviors is important. Even more important is taking steps to end these behaviors. Take those "ruts in your brain" and re-fill them with self confidence, positive and realistic self-talk, and self-care. Fill your social agenda with like-minded people who want the best for you. And, most importantly, fill your mind and soul with thoughts of your capacity to be "wise in this world."