Loneliness and Anxiety

I was reading a devotional tonight and discovered a quote from Mother Teresa.


"Today a great disease is that feeling of terrible loneliness, the feeling of being unwanted, having forgotten what human joy is, what the human feeling is of being wanted or loved...there is a tremendous hunger and a tremendous feeling of unwantedness everywhere. And that really is a great poverty."

Mother Teresa's words hit right to the heart of what I think causes most of my anxiety. "Terrible loneliness, the feeling of being unwanted." These two feelings grip me, especially the loneliness. And, they cause me to forget "what human joy is." On days when I struggle to just put one foot in front of the other, the sense of loneliness makes me think I'll never feel joy again. Loneliness, and feeling unwanted, cause me so much anxiety that I can't imagine I'll ever look forward to anything or experience pleasure again. All I can see is a future of just putting one foot in front of the other as I go through life.

Where does that loneliness come from, I've wondered. I remember very little of my childhood, but would have said it was pretty normal if you asked me. But, as I've worked my way through EMDR therapy, I've discovered that I was a lonely child and that loneliness has stayed with me, even though now I'm wanted, loved, and cared for. And, that is "a great poverty."

The poverty of not feeling accepted, of feeling alone, stayed with me long after those things were no longer true. They became part of who I am. So, now I'm faced with the task of learning to accept and love myself. Because, no matter how much others love and accept you, until you love and accept yourself, the "great poverty" will stay with you.

Sometimes Jimmy Buffett is My Therapist

Once again, I've been neglecting my blog. If you're still reading it, thanks for sticking with me. To bring you up to date, I'm still doing EMDR therapy. It's getting easier, and I've worked through more of my unrealized grief, a lot of fear, and some pretty deep sadness. It's so worth the journey, though. And, the journey isn't over yet, but I'm living with less anxiety and more acceptance right now.

During some of the hard days over the past few months, I felt overcome with anxiety and was afraid
I'd never find pleasure in anything again. I'd try to comfort myself by remembering things I used to enjoy, and tell myself that the day would come that I'd enjoy them again. During one of those days I decided to turn on Jimmy Buffett. Jimmy used to cheer me up. And, that morning when I turned on my JB playlist I realized that sometimes he's my therapist.

A line I heard that morning suddenly seemed filled with meaning, even though I'd listened to the song a million times before. "If it takes all the future, we'll live through the past."* Sometimes our pasts are so painful, and fill us with shame, sadness, and fear that's so overwhelming that it stops us in our tracks. The past seems to rob us of our future. Sometimes I've felt like I couldn't put one foot in front of the other. But, as I hummed along that morning, I felt a slight lifting of that overwhelming despair. I started to think about the future a little differently, and with a little more hope. As long as I keep taking steps, even tiny ones, it will keep me from giving up completely. Every step moves me forward. And, maybe it will take all my future to live through what I experienced in the past, but as long as I keep putting one foot in front of the other, I'm OK.

Thanks for the therapy, Jimmy.

*If the Phone Doesn't Ring, It's Me
Jimmy Buffet, Will Jennings, Michael Utley
Last Mango in Paris, 1985
Margaritaville Discography
YouTube "If the Phone Doesn't Ring, It's Me

A New Kind of Therapy

Several times over the last two or three years, my regular therapist recommended that I try EMDR therapy. EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing and is considered to be an effective treatment for victims of trauma. I ignored my therapist's gentle suggestions and stayed with what I was comfortable with, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, which is his primary treatment method. In my mind, EMDR wasn't going to help. I don't remember being a victim of a trauma. I mean, sure, I grew up in a dysfunctional family, but so did a zillion other people. And, yes, I have a lot of childhood amnesia, which is a symptom of trauma, but maybe there's just not that much worth remembering. And, then there's that icky, sad, anxious feeling I get whenever I think about what it was like when I was a kid, but surely, if I was a victim of a trauma, I'd remember it, right?

Finally, this year, with my anxiety at peak levels, I knew I had to try something new. My experience last summer with the CLARITY intensive outpatient program helped, but I was still having pretty severe anxiety, weird physical symptoms that my doctors couldn't explain, and it was starting to cause me to miss school and work. Until then, I'd never missed work because of anxiety. I'd always been able to tough it out. I was desperate to find something to help me before anxiety took control of my life. So, I asked my therapist why he thought EMDR would help, since I don't remember being a victim of a trauma. He told me that it has shown good results for people with anxiety and panic attacks and suggested that I just talk to an EMDR therapist on the phone and learn more. (My therapist doesn't do EMDR.) So, I agreed, he gave me a referral, I called the therapist, and got a lot of information. The EMDR therapist said he didn't want to waste my time or money if he didn't think EMDR would help, so he also got a lot of information from me. He got my permission to talk with my regular therapist, and a release from me so he could talk with the therapists at CLARITY. After several phone conversations and emails, he and I agreed to meet.

I was anxious (no surprise there, right?) when I went to my first session. We had a get-to-know-each-other conversation, paperwork, and some history to go over. After meeting him, I decided I wanted to continue with the therapy, and left with a lot of homework and an appointment in two weeks. My promise to myself was that I was going to be completely honest with myself and my new therapist during this process, something I don't think I've always done in past therapy. Some of my phobias, fears, physical sensations, and thoughts are so embarrassing that I don't want to admit them. And, sometimes, I feel like I'm making a big deal out of nothing, so I just don't bring things up. No more. So what if your therapist thinks you're crazy? Isn't that why you're going there?

I've had five sessions so far. Yes, they've been hard, and I've been disturbed by some of the things that have come up in our conversations. Some of them made my cry and I hate to cry. Today I had my first experience with the actual tactile stimulation that's used in EMDR. (Some therapists use eye movement, some use sounds, some use tapping, and some use vibration. Mine uses vibration.) And, yes, some images came across, and I had some uncomfortable physical sensations, but I knew I could stop at any time. I made it through, and feel like I'm making progress. I very much want to be better, to be less anxious, and I know it can take continuous work and practice. I'm willing to do it.

I found this website in case you want to learn more about EMDR. EMDR.com

Go Away

Anxiety, you're a sneaky fellow. You come slipping in when I'm feeling just fine. You, with your sense of dread and doom. You, telling me to be afraid of things that aren't there. You, telling me that something is wrong when it's not. You make my body feel all sorts of things that may or may not be real. You take all the pleasure out of things I'd normally enjoy. You make my mind focus on things that might go wrong. You take away my appetite, you cause my heart to race, and my throat and chest to hurt. Maybe you're just being overprotective, like a mama who's too worried about her child. But, I don't think so. I think you're mean. I think you're trying to make my life difficult. I think you just want to see if you can win with your scary tactics and fake frights. But, you won't win. I'm tougher than you. God made me stronger than you. I hate you. Go away.

Learning to Breathe

Most of the time, we don't think about breathing, right? We just go about our business and we're breathing. Oh, we might think about it when we hurry up a flight of stairs, or go out for a run (not that I'd know anything about that)! Maybe when we do yoga or meditate we'll focus on breathing. Or, if we have panic attacks, we might check our breathing. But, in general, it's safe to say we don't spend a ton of time thinking about breathing. We just do it.

Last week I was having an anxious week. I wasn't having any full-blown panic attacks, but my generalized anxiety was pretty strong. I felt tense, my appetite was poor, I had a sense of unease that I couldn't seem to escape. To top it off, my acid reflux was really terrible. I decided to see if I could find some yoga poses on YouTube that would help with acid reflux and digestion. Well, sure enough I found a great one. (If you happen to have acid reflux, also known as GERD, check out this link. Yoga for Heartburn with Adriene) And, like most yoga practices, this one began with taking deep breaths. As I began deep breathing, I noticed that I was so anxious I wasn't taking normal breaths. I was taking small, shallow breaths, and my body was a mass of tense muscles. I was holding my stomach, hips, and shoulders so tightly that they hurt. Of course, as I did the yoga poses, I began to breathe, relax, and lose the tension in my body, as well as helping the acid reflux.

The next day, I woke up with morning anxiety. As I did a few yoga poses to relieve the anxiety, I wondered why I never think to check on my breathing unless I'm having a panic attack. During yoga, when I breathe fully and relax my tight muscles, my anxiety lessens. Why not try to put this into practice throughout the day? Now, granted, I can't stop and do a yoga pose in every situation, unless I want to get some weird looks. But I can take full breaths and relax my muscles.

As the day went by, every time I started feeling the twinge that means anxiety is building, I reminded myself to breathe all the way down into my belly. I checked in with my body and deliberately relaxed my stomach, hips, and shoulders. I made myself relax into the anxiety instead of fighting it. The results were good. Instead of building up, the anxiety would start melting.

I've continued to practice this with good results. I've also starting checking with myself even when I'm not feeling anxious to see how I'm breathing. And, what I've learned is this- Most of the time, I take short, shallow breaths and my stomach, hips, and shoulders are sucked in tight. They actually hurt. But, stopping frequently to breathe fully and relax my tense muscles is helping reduce my anxiety. My appetite has improved, my sense of unease is less. I've even felt more energetic.

I think I'll continue to breathe. Breathe deeply and fully. I'll drop my shoulders, relax my stomach and hips. And, just breathe.

My Tried and True Tool for Panic Attacks

There's one tool I always turn to when I'm anxious. It helps prevent panic attacks and shortens an attack if I'm having one. If I do it every day, or even a few days a week, it lowers my generalized anxiety. It's my go-to, tried and true, helps-every-time technique called Progressive Muscle Relaxation.

I heard about it years ago when my therapist recommended "The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook" by Edmund Bourne, which became my favorite book on anxiety. Although my therapist recommended reading the whole book, he specifically wanted me to learn how to use this technique. And, I've been using it ever since. Without fail, Progressive Muscle Relaxation provides me with some relief from both generalized anxiety and from panic attacks. It works best if I practice it a minimum of three times a week, more if my anxiety is acute. And, if a panic attack is starting, I've found that it reduces the symptoms and shortens the attack. In other words, I can keep it from turning into a full-blown panic attack, which I ALWAYS want to avoid.

Progressive Muscle Relaxation isn't new. It was developed in the 1930's by a physician, Dr. Edmund Jacobson, and originally had over 200 exercises to reduce stress. Thankfully, it doesn't take all 200 exercises to reduce anxiety; about 15-20 are commonly used. And, don't freak out over the word exercise. No work-out is involved. If you read my blog often, you know I'm not using something that involves a work-out...

So, how do you go about doing this amazing technique? It's pretty simple. It involves systematically tensing and releasing your muscles while breathing. You can do it lying down or sitting in a chair. If you're doing the whole series of movements it takes about 20 minutes, and a dim, quiet place is ideal. However, I've found doing even a few movements under the table at a business meeting or sitting on a plane can be helpful. I first learned to do it following the written instructions in the book, but now I use a guide that I downloaded. Actually, once you have it memorized you don't really need a guide. I just like the voice and the music.

To learn the technique you can click on this script I found online that was adapted from Edmund Bourne's book. Or, you can download a guide. The one I like is by Ken Goodman and I found it on the iTunes store. You can also get it from his website.

Let me know what happens when you try it. I hope it helps you as much as it's helped me!

Love and Anxiety

I thought I'd write about love since Valentine's Day is this week. Specifically, I want to write about how being loved has helped me with my anxiety. A bit of a love letter to my husband, actually.

It can't be easy to live with someone who has anxiety disorder. The panic attacks, the sense of doom, the phobias. It must all be hard to understand for someone without anxiety disorder. They even seem irrational to me, so I can't imagine how irrational they must seem to my husband. But, in spite of that, he's always ready to offer support. He's always available to listen or just pat my back. He never tries to tell me that it's all in my head, or that I need to get over it. He talks to me, asks me if I'm using my tools for managing panic, and even gets out a list I once gave him of things that help me when I have a panic attack. He's never once complained about the cost of therapy or trips to the ER when I was sure I was going to die. He's been to doctors and ER's with me and comforted me. He knows the situations that trigger my anxiety and helps me through them. He supports my decisions about my treatment. And, most importantly, when I have a tough time, he reminds me that I'll get through it and that he'll be there with me. He reminds me that we're in this together.

Love is a powerful tool for helping with anxiety. I'm thankful that I have my husband's love.

How to Exercise When Exercise Makes you Anxious

It seems like everything you read says exercise is key to reducing anxiety and depression. "Get those endorphins pumping and you'll feel better!"  "Exercise helps the brain cope with stress more effectively!" And, so on...

Now, I know that all this is based on scientific evidence and is true. But, exercise doesn't do any of that for me. It makes me hot, tired, and irritable at best. At worst, it makes my anxiety increase. Here's what happens when I exercise.

1. I start to work out.
2. I feel myself getting hot.
3. Sweat starts to form on my face and hair. I hate to be sweaty.
4. I notice my heart is beating faster. Oh my gosh. My heart is speeding up. I tell myself to calm down; that my heart is supposed to speed up when I exercise.
5. All I can think about is my heartbeat. Is it too fast? Should it speed up this quickly? Was that a pain in my chest? Am I finally having that heart attack I worry about all the time?
6. I start feeling anxiety symptoms because I can feel my heart.
7. I force myself to keep exercising. I'm not going to let this get the best of me.
8. I go through the cool down portion.
9. I can still feel my heart beating fast.
10. I'm now hot, tired and sweaty with a big dose of anxiety thrown in. Sometimes I even have a panic attack.

Sounds fun, right?

I don't get it when people say things like, "If I weren't a runner, I'd need a therapist." "Exercise is my therapy." "I feel so energetic on the days I work out." Why doesn't it work like that for me?

Well, the truth of the matter is that I know I have to get some exercise for both my mental and physical health. And, I also know that if I exercise on a regular basis, it's like exposure therapy. I do it, I don't die, and each time the anxiety symptoms get a little better. And, when I get regular exercise, my general anxiety is less.

So, how do I make myself get started and keep going? Here are a few common sense tips:
1. Start slow. Do just a little at a time. Even five minutes is better than nothing.
2. Do something that doesn't feel like exercise, like gardening, dancing or even vacuuming, so that your mind doesn't automatically focus on your heartbeat.
3. Watch TV as a distraction while you work out.
4. Do a lengthy cool down so your heart rate is back to normal by the time you finish.

Now, all I need to do is get up from my computer and do some exercise...

Flexing Your Mental Muscles

The other day I read an article from Forbes called "Mentally Strong People: The 13 Things They Avoid." The article was hugely popular and was shared like crazy on social media. I read it when Healthy Place (one of my favorite mental health websites) posted it on their Facebook page. You can read the article and form your own opinion about mental strength. The main reason I mentioned it here is because it made me start thinking about the concept of being "mentally strong."

What exactly does "mentally strong" mean? Does it mean you're smart? Does it mean you're in control of your emotions? Does it mean you'll be more successful, more happy, more capable if you're "mentally strong"? And, exactly who decides what it means to be "mentally strong"?

I decided to come up with my own definition. And, here's what I think.

Mentally strong people get out of bed every morning and put one foot in front of the other, even when they're so anxious they feel like their hearts will come out of their chests. They continue through the day even when their thoughts won't stop racing around in their brains. They go to their therapists and talk about things that scare them, that depress them. They use the tools their therapists teach them, even when it seems like they don't work. They take the medicines their doctors prescribe, even when they don't like the side effects. They keep trying, keep getting up, keep going no matter how hard it is. When they feel better, they celebrate. When anxiety or depression sets in again, they still get out of bed in the morning. When it's so bad they can't get out of bed, they remind themselves that it won't be so bad tomorrow and they'll be able to get up again. They do whatever it takes to keep themselves safe from the frightening, depressing, anxious thoughts that run through their heads. They hang on to the memory of the days when they felt a little less anxious, a little less depressed. And, then, they get out of bed again and put one foot in front of the other. And, eventually, they feel better.

To me, mental strength has less to do with the characteristics of people who achieve what our society calls success and more to do with living your life the best way you're able. It has to do with trying new things when the old ones aren't working. It has to do with going forward no matter how much you want to stop. It means you never, ever, give up.

Grounding

Have you ever used a technique called "grounding" when you felt anxious? I learned about it when I was in the Clarity program that I mentioned in a previous blog. Grounding is a set of easy strategies that allow you to detach from emotional pain by focusing outward on the external world instead of inward towards yourself.  For me, it helps stop a panic attack from accelerating. It also stops me from ruminating or "catastrophising" when my thoughts start heading down their familiar, depressing paths.

Grounding gives you ways to detach yourself so that you can gain control over your thoughts and feelings. It anchors you to the present, to reality, and puts you at a healthy distance from the thoughts that create anxiety or depression. The best thing is that it's easy to do any time, any place, and no one can tell what you're doing. It also gives me immediate gratification by reducing anxiety or depression.

There are three ways of grounding: Mental, physical, and soothing. Mental works best for me, but I've described all three ways here so you can discover which is best for you. And, if you get bored easily, it's good to have options.

Mental grounding means focusing on your mind. Some ways to use mental grounding are:
~Describe your environment in great detail silently (or out loud if you're in a place where it's appropriate.) For example, "The walls are tan, there is a blue sofa with three red cushions, and a window with a green tree outside."
~Read something, saying each word deliberately. Or, say the letters of the words rather than reading the words.
~Count forward or backwards slowly, or say the alphabet.

Physical grounding is focusing on your senses. Some ideas for physical grounding are:
~Run warm or cold water over your hands. Focus on how the water feels on your skin.
~Grab tightly on to your chair as hard as you can. Concentrate on how the chair feels.
~Walk slowly, noticing each footstep and saying "left" or "right" with each step.

Soothing grounding is talking to yourself in a very kind way. To ground yourself with soothing you can:
~Say kind statements, either silently or out loud, almost as if you're talking to a child. For instance, "You're coping with this situation well," or, "You'll get through this because you're using all your tools correctly."
~Think of your list of favorites, like your favorite color, food, animal, season, book, or movie.
~ Remember the words to a comforting or inspiring song, poem, or quote.

Like anything else that's new, grounding takes a little practice. You can even practice when you're not feeling anxious or depressed, just to get in the habit. At first, try all the types of grounding to see if one is more effective than another. Since it's hard for me to remember things when anxiety or depression start to spiral, I also wrote down some grounding techniques on a card and keep it in my purse. And, just in case I don't have my purse, I put the same techniques on the notes app on my phone, since I never go anywhere without that! That way, if anxiety strikes, I'm prepared.

I hope this gives you a new tool to use if you start to feel anxiety or depression creeping up. Always remind yourself that anxiety and depression are feelings. They don't define who you are. And, if you keep using your tools, you will feel better.

Happy Holidays???

These days the pages of social media are filled with posts and pictures of holiday beauty, merriment, family, and faith. Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Google +...The list goes on. If you're looking at them, or even just reading good old-fashioned holiday cards or the ubiquitous family newsletter that's often sent this time of year, it may look like everyone's leading a lovely life. And, if you're a person with mental illness, you may wonder why you don't have all the joy that others seem to have. Or, you may feel jealous of all that happiness and wish you could feel it, too.

I am very fortunate, and I actually have a pretty lovely life. But, anxiety and depression sometime make it hard to feel the happiness that should accompany my life. The symptoms can blunt feelings of happiness. And, my medication causes a reduction of feelings at both ends of the spectrum. In other words, anxiety and depression are less, but also feelings of joy, excitement, and expectation are reduced. I really, really miss those super-excited, over-the-top, giddy moments.

But, when I start missing those moments, I take a breath, acknowledge that I miss them, and then replace those thoughts with gratitude that I'm not filled with anxiety. That I'm not deeply depressed. I remind myself that the more thoughts I have of gratitude, of happiness, of goodness, the greater chance I have of experiencing those feelings. And, every once in a while, I actually have a moment of super-excited, over-the-top, giddiness. When that happens, I savor it for all it's worth!

Is Your Christmas Merry?

Are you filled with holiday cheer? Are your jingle bells jingling? Is Santa up on your rooftop? I hope your holidays are looking like a Hallmark movie or a Publix commercial. But if they're not, don't despair. Neither are anyone else's.  The time from Thanksgiving to New Year's is prime time for anxiety and depression. There's usually too much to do, relatives to see that you'd really rather not, disappointment when you can't schedule a time to see people you really want to, and budgets that are stretched thin. Or, on the opposite side of the coin, some of us don't have family, friends, parties, and shopping to take care of. This loneliness can be isolating to anyone, especially if you have anxiety and depression.

I'm not always good about preparing myself for situations that trigger anxiety. I tend to approach them with an attitude of, "Oh, this time I'll feel fine." I ignore the symptoms as they creep up instead of acknowledging them. When I feel good I toss my tools out the window and expect to continue to feel good. It's kind of like never changing your oil and expecting your car to continue to run well. But, this holiday season I decided to make a list of the things that make my holidays bright. I decided not to try to control anything about the holidays except what I can personally control. I decided to practice acceptance and gratitude. So here's my list of holiday anxiety relievers. Remember, these are what I like to do and might not be right for everyone. Create your own list, check it twice, and maybe your days will be a little more merry and bright.

1. Make time to pray, do progressive muscle relaxation, and get enough sleep.

2. Plan time to volunteer.

3. Keep a gratitude journal.

4. Listen to Christmas music. It's my favorite part of the holidays.

5. Keep my tree lights on whenever I'm home.

6. Light an evergreen scented candle.

7. Hang out with friends.

8. Practice acceptance of how the holidays unfold.

9. Understand that others' holiday expectations may not be like mine.

10. Be in the present.

11. Be kind to myself and others.

Merry Christmas and happy holidays, everyone!

How Gratitude Relieves Anxiety

It's Thanksgiving today so I thought I'd write about, well, giving thanks. Or, in other words, gratitude.  Gratitude is defined as "the quality or feeling of being grateful or thankful." That quality and feeling hasn't always been present with me. When I'm feeling anxious or depressed my mind always jumps on the well-travelled path of worry. The path of what-ifs. Of catastrophes and worst-case scenarios. I've travelled this path so often I've created "ruts in my brain." Ruts of anxiety. Of sadness. In my jittery life, I was sure if I thought about everything that could possibly happen, I could somehow be in control. I could stop the worst-case scenario. Then, my mind would think up a scenario I couldn't control. Panic! But, when I began to recognize that going down that path doesn't prevent bad things from happening, that I can't control everything, I needed to make a new path to travel. I needed to start creating new ruts in my brain. And the path I've chosen is gratitude.

I started thinking more about gratitude when I was in Clarity, the intensive therapy program I wrote about in my last post. One of the tools for recovery thinking that we learned was gratitude. Particularly, we learned about keeping a gratitude journal. Once a week we wrote down five things we were thankful for. When we started, it surprised me how little I was thinking about what I was grateful for. I was so focused on the worrying, the what-ifs, (see complete list above...) that my jittery brain had no time or energy for thankfulness. For my first journal entry I had to think really hard to come up with five things to be thankful for. I finally decided to start with the basics and I wrote down five things that, honestly, I have always taken for granted. Shelter. Food. Water. Car. Clothing. I wrote them down and was startled that the very act of writing them down warmed my heart. It also gave me a written reference so that when anxiety strikes I can pull out my journal and fill the ruts in my jumbled brain with thoughts of gratitude. And, amazingly, I saw how filling my mind with gratefulness left less room for thoughts that create feelings of anxiety and depression.

Each week it's easier to find five things I'm thankful for. Sometimes I can't limit it to five! And, now I make it a practice every day to remind myself that I need to look around and name the things that are good in my life. And, slowly, surely, the ruts in my brain are less full of worry and more full of gratitude.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Hello Again!

Well, it's been a while since I last posted, but I was inspired today by a friend who also has anxiety and depression. I was telling her about a three week intensive outpatient therapy program I did back in the summer called Clarity. Connecting Lives; Activating Resources; Integrating the Total You. It was a life changer. I don't actually like the phrase "life changer." It's overly dramatic and overused. But, Clarity really did give me some tools that changed the way I manage my anxiety and it has decreased to a much more comfortable level. (As if there's anything comfortable about anxiety disorder...) So, it was a life changer for me.

My therapist recommended the program because I was making a transition from employment to going back to school and, as much as I wanted to make this change, it was creating depression and anxiety. And, being me, I was in denial that the transition would cause me stress. I tend to think I should sail through everything without a bump. "I can handle anything!" "This is no big deal!" "I'm looking forward to this, why should I be anxious?" Wrong!! Like everyone, transitions (good or bad) create some anxiety. And, for me, that's usually not a little anxiety. I like to do it up right, with BIG anxiety, toss in some depression for good measure, and all the while tell myself I should be ashamed for not being able to handle it.

Many of the things I learned while in the Clarity program I already knew, but wasn't putting into practice. But, there was something about going to therapy three hours a day, four days a week, that made me focus and realize I could be so much better if I used all my tools. And, I picked up some new skills, too. The program is in three segments, one per week-Safety, Recovery Thinking, and Communication. Each day reminded me of the tools I already had and gave me some new ones to add. Here are some of the things I learned in Clarity:

Trust myself and other people who deserve my trust. It's pretty hard not to feel anxious if you don't think there's anyone you can trust.

Take good care of my body. Eating, sleeping, exercising, relaxing, in the proper amounts, all play a
big role in managing anxiety.

Deliberately change my emotional climate. I can choose to change how I react to the way I feel about things and I can change my thoughts.

Use grounding to detach from emotional pain and anxiety. There are three major ways of grounding-mental, physical, and soothing. I'll cover those is a future blog post. This was huge for me!

Thoughts and feelings are liars.

Constantly feed my soul. For me, this is deepening my relationship with God. This program isn't religion-based, but spirituality, however you view that, is part of it.

Feel gratitude daily. My life seems pretty awesome when I list out the specific things I have,
materially and otherwise.

Now that I'm back to blogging, I'll share more about some of these tools in future posts. I'm looking forward to your comments, and I'm glad to be back!

I'm Leaving on a Jet Plane...

In my imagination I'm a world traveler. I confidently jump on planes, trains, boats, and automobiles wearing a variety of cute travel outfits, appropriate for my exotic destinations. I stroll through the airport pulling my classic Hartmann tweed suitcase looking seasoned, confident, and a little excited about my next adventure. 

OK, here's the real world scenario. I enter the airport in a bundle of anxiety, heart racing, sweaty palms, obsessively checking my purse to be sure I have Xanax. I shakily make my way through checking my bag (OK, it's a Samsonite, not a Hartmann) and on through security I go, not like a world traveller headed on her next adventure, but like a woman walking to her cell on death row. The only thing similar to my imagination is the cute travel outfit appropriate to my destination. I have my rituals and they have to be done and somehow in my jittery mind I feel a tiny measure of comfort and protection. First water fountain inside security is where I take my Xanax. Don't want to take it too late. I want it to be working when I get on that plane. Don't want to take it too early. It might start wearing out before the flight is over. I get a decaf coffee. I wait till they are almost ready to call my flight and go to the bathroom. My rituals are done. I pray and walk down the jetway like a condemned woman. I fervently hope that my favorite seat by the window, just behind the wing, is available. My heart is pounding. I'm not sure if I'm more worried about the plane crashing or having a heart attack while in the air with no fully qualified medical personnel to save me. My terror begins to subside as I use all the tools I have to manage panic, but by the time we push back I'm sweaty palmed again, my heart is racing and negative talk is racing in my head. We roll down the runway and we're off, with my heart in my throat. When, miraculously, I don't have a heart attack and the plane doesn't crash on take off, I settle down. Oddly, I'm not very anxious once we're flying unless I see or hear something I think is weird. When they say we can turn on mobile devices and the flight attendants begin beverage service, my anxiety thinks everything is normal. 

Most of the time I fly with my husband. He's awesome. Before our trip he books the reservations, checks us in online, gets the boarding passes. He knows all the preparation increases my anxiety. He pats my hand on the way to the airport, understands my weird rituals, and supports me if I freak out. He never asks me to sit in the center seat even though he prefers the aisle. He knows I like the window and sits in the dreaded center seat so I can be in my safe spot.

We were on our way to Tampa to get on a cruise ship when I wrote this. I don't really love cruise ships, either, which added to my anxiety. I feel a little confined and think cruises are a bit cheesy. But, this was a family cruise with 15 of my in-laws, and we knew it would make my mother-in-law super happy if we went, so I decided to go. But, managing the anxiety wasn't easy. The night before our trip, I lay in bed for two hours with my heart pounding. Two rounds of Progressive Muscle Relaxation plus a guided sleep meditation and my pulse was still 92. I forced myself to stop obsessively checking my pulse. Finally, I drifted off to strange dreams of flying to Alaska in a tiny plane. 

After a rocky morning of getting ready to board the plane, and a short, uneventful flight with my sweet husband, we landed. I had used all my coping techniques, I arrived unscathed, and as we headed to baggage claim, I felt like that confident world traveller who's living within me.

P.S. I few weeks after writing this, I found Tim Benjamin's website Fearofflyingschool.com with tips to reduce anxiety when flying. I thought my readers would like the tips!