Sometimes Jimmy Buffett is My Therapist

Once again, I've been neglecting my blog. If you're still reading it, thanks for sticking with me. To bring you up to date, I'm still doing EMDR therapy. It's getting easier, and I've worked through more of my unrealized grief, a lot of fear, and some pretty deep sadness. It's so worth the journey, though. And, the journey isn't over yet, but I'm living with less anxiety and more acceptance right now.

During some of the hard days over the past few months, I felt overcome with anxiety and was afraid
I'd never find pleasure in anything again. I'd try to comfort myself by remembering things I used to enjoy, and tell myself that the day would come that I'd enjoy them again. During one of those days I decided to turn on Jimmy Buffett. Jimmy used to cheer me up. And, that morning when I turned on my JB playlist I realized that sometimes he's my therapist.

A line I heard that morning suddenly seemed filled with meaning, even though I'd listened to the song a million times before. "If it takes all the future, we'll live through the past."* Sometimes our pasts are so painful, and fill us with shame, sadness, and fear that's so overwhelming that it stops us in our tracks. The past seems to rob us of our future. Sometimes I've felt like I couldn't put one foot in front of the other. But, as I hummed along that morning, I felt a slight lifting of that overwhelming despair. I started to think about the future a little differently, and with a little more hope. As long as I keep taking steps, even tiny ones, it will keep me from giving up completely. Every step moves me forward. And, maybe it will take all my future to live through what I experienced in the past, but as long as I keep putting one foot in front of the other, I'm OK.

Thanks for the therapy, Jimmy.

*If the Phone Doesn't Ring, It's Me
Jimmy Buffet, Will Jennings, Michael Utley
Last Mango in Paris, 1985
Margaritaville Discography
YouTube "If the Phone Doesn't Ring, It's Me

What's Happened So Far with EMDR

If you follow my blog, you might have stopped because I haven't posted in such a long time. Or, maybe you've wondered what has happened since I started EMDR therapy. Well, I'll catch you up.

EMDR has helped me bring out a lot of things that could potentially be causes for my anxiety. I've been able to discuss some of my deepest fears, my sadness, and found grief I didn't even know existed. As I promised myself from the start, I've been completely honest with my therapist, which I haven't always been in the past. It's been a rough, rocky, tear-filled journey so far. In short, I hate it.

                                                                           

But, my panic attacks have subsided. That's the part that makes it worthwhile. Here's what isn't so pleasant. My generalized anxiety and depression have deepened. I've also gone through spells of intense anger, which my therapist says is normal as you go through EMDR.

In the midst of this, I've started a new job. I'm with the same company, but it's a new job, nonetheless. Probably not the best timing, but life happens and I've always been able to cope with life. It's a job I wanted, so I didn't want to turn it down. So, my general anxiety at work is very high. According to my therapist, it takes three to six months to adjust to a new job. I'm about six weeks in, so I'm looking forward to some of the anxiety dissipating in another six weeks or so. In the meantime, I'm using my bag of techniques from CBT-Meditation, grounding, affirmations, acceptance, yoga.

As I continue to work through, I'll keep you posted on how it's going. In the meantime, if you've had EMDR therapy, please let me know in the comments section. I'd like to hear your results. Thanks for reading and being patient when I take a break!

A New Kind of Therapy

Several times over the last two or three years, my regular therapist recommended that I try EMDR therapy. EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing and is considered to be an effective treatment for victims of trauma. I ignored my therapist's gentle suggestions and stayed with what I was comfortable with, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, which is his primary treatment method. In my mind, EMDR wasn't going to help. I don't remember being a victim of a trauma. I mean, sure, I grew up in a dysfunctional family, but so did a zillion other people. And, yes, I have a lot of childhood amnesia, which is a symptom of trauma, but maybe there's just not that much worth remembering. And, then there's that icky, sad, anxious feeling I get whenever I think about what it was like when I was a kid, but surely, if I was a victim of a trauma, I'd remember it, right?

Finally, this year, with my anxiety at peak levels, I knew I had to try something new. My experience last summer with the CLARITY intensive outpatient program helped, but I was still having pretty severe anxiety, weird physical symptoms that my doctors couldn't explain, and it was starting to cause me to miss school and work. Until then, I'd never missed work because of anxiety. I'd always been able to tough it out. I was desperate to find something to help me before anxiety took control of my life. So, I asked my therapist why he thought EMDR would help, since I don't remember being a victim of a trauma. He told me that it has shown good results for people with anxiety and panic attacks and suggested that I just talk to an EMDR therapist on the phone and learn more. (My therapist doesn't do EMDR.) So, I agreed, he gave me a referral, I called the therapist, and got a lot of information. The EMDR therapist said he didn't want to waste my time or money if he didn't think EMDR would help, so he also got a lot of information from me. He got my permission to talk with my regular therapist, and a release from me so he could talk with the therapists at CLARITY. After several phone conversations and emails, he and I agreed to meet.

I was anxious (no surprise there, right?) when I went to my first session. We had a get-to-know-each-other conversation, paperwork, and some history to go over. After meeting him, I decided I wanted to continue with the therapy, and left with a lot of homework and an appointment in two weeks. My promise to myself was that I was going to be completely honest with myself and my new therapist during this process, something I don't think I've always done in past therapy. Some of my phobias, fears, physical sensations, and thoughts are so embarrassing that I don't want to admit them. And, sometimes, I feel like I'm making a big deal out of nothing, so I just don't bring things up. No more. So what if your therapist thinks you're crazy? Isn't that why you're going there?

I've had five sessions so far. Yes, they've been hard, and I've been disturbed by some of the things that have come up in our conversations. Some of them made my cry and I hate to cry. Today I had my first experience with the actual tactile stimulation that's used in EMDR. (Some therapists use eye movement, some use sounds, some use tapping, and some use vibration. Mine uses vibration.) And, yes, some images came across, and I had some uncomfortable physical sensations, but I knew I could stop at any time. I made it through, and feel like I'm making progress. I very much want to be better, to be less anxious, and I know it can take continuous work and practice. I'm willing to do it.

I found this website in case you want to learn more about EMDR. EMDR.com

Go Away

Anxiety, you're a sneaky fellow. You come slipping in when I'm feeling just fine. You, with your sense of dread and doom. You, telling me to be afraid of things that aren't there. You, telling me that something is wrong when it's not. You make my body feel all sorts of things that may or may not be real. You take all the pleasure out of things I'd normally enjoy. You make my mind focus on things that might go wrong. You take away my appetite, you cause my heart to race, and my throat and chest to hurt. Maybe you're just being overprotective, like a mama who's too worried about her child. But, I don't think so. I think you're mean. I think you're trying to make my life difficult. I think you just want to see if you can win with your scary tactics and fake frights. But, you won't win. I'm tougher than you. God made me stronger than you. I hate you. Go away.

Learning to Breathe

Most of the time, we don't think about breathing, right? We just go about our business and we're breathing. Oh, we might think about it when we hurry up a flight of stairs, or go out for a run (not that I'd know anything about that)! Maybe when we do yoga or meditate we'll focus on breathing. Or, if we have panic attacks, we might check our breathing. But, in general, it's safe to say we don't spend a ton of time thinking about breathing. We just do it.

Last week I was having an anxious week. I wasn't having any full-blown panic attacks, but my generalized anxiety was pretty strong. I felt tense, my appetite was poor, I had a sense of unease that I couldn't seem to escape. To top it off, my acid reflux was really terrible. I decided to see if I could find some yoga poses on YouTube that would help with acid reflux and digestion. Well, sure enough I found a great one. (If you happen to have acid reflux, also known as GERD, check out this link. Yoga for Heartburn with Adriene) And, like most yoga practices, this one began with taking deep breaths. As I began deep breathing, I noticed that I was so anxious I wasn't taking normal breaths. I was taking small, shallow breaths, and my body was a mass of tense muscles. I was holding my stomach, hips, and shoulders so tightly that they hurt. Of course, as I did the yoga poses, I began to breathe, relax, and lose the tension in my body, as well as helping the acid reflux.

The next day, I woke up with morning anxiety. As I did a few yoga poses to relieve the anxiety, I wondered why I never think to check on my breathing unless I'm having a panic attack. During yoga, when I breathe fully and relax my tight muscles, my anxiety lessens. Why not try to put this into practice throughout the day? Now, granted, I can't stop and do a yoga pose in every situation, unless I want to get some weird looks. But I can take full breaths and relax my muscles.

As the day went by, every time I started feeling the twinge that means anxiety is building, I reminded myself to breathe all the way down into my belly. I checked in with my body and deliberately relaxed my stomach, hips, and shoulders. I made myself relax into the anxiety instead of fighting it. The results were good. Instead of building up, the anxiety would start melting.

I've continued to practice this with good results. I've also starting checking with myself even when I'm not feeling anxious to see how I'm breathing. And, what I've learned is this- Most of the time, I take short, shallow breaths and my stomach, hips, and shoulders are sucked in tight. They actually hurt. But, stopping frequently to breathe fully and relax my tense muscles is helping reduce my anxiety. My appetite has improved, my sense of unease is less. I've even felt more energetic.

I think I'll continue to breathe. Breathe deeply and fully. I'll drop my shoulders, relax my stomach and hips. And, just breathe.

Friends Can Help

Honestly, last week was rough. I had a panic attack at home that was so bad it made me miss work, which is really rare for me because I'll usually tough it out. I had some of my hardest tests so far at school. I was on antibiotics because I was sick, and I have a phobia about taking medicines, particularly antibiotics. (More on that in a future post.) I was getting ready to leave on a trip, and travel can make me anxious, even though I love it. And, my husband was out of town all week, and he's my biggest cheerleader, confidant, and supporter. Shew.

On Friday I took my last test before spring break and felt really confident about how I did. We got out of school early and my husband was going to be home by evening! I felt pretty good as I left school on a beautiful, sunny, early spring afternoon. I was ready for lunch followed by an afternoon of getting my fingers and toes done by my favorite nail tech, who's also a good friend!

I'd really been struggling to eat the whole week. When I'm anxious, my normally good, (OK, way too good) appetite disappears and it's hard for me to eat anything. And, while I need to drop some pounds, not wanting to eat anything is not the way I want to do it. So, I was pretty excited that I felt hungry at lunchtime Friday. I stopped at my favorite organic grocery store for one of their yummy sandwiches and ate almost all of it when I got home. I gave my house a quick cleaning and noticed I had heartburn. I hate heartburn. It makes me have panic attacks because I'm sure it's a heart attack. I ignored it, and left for my mani/pedi appointment.

I was having a good time chatting with my nail tech friend and getting my pedicure, when I suddenly felt dizzy. It only lasted a second, but on top of my heartburn, that was all it took to start a panic attack. But, I wanted to manage it without taking my medicine. I didn't want to have to tell my friend I needed to take a pill. I was embarrassed. And, I was sure, as usual, that I was having a heart attack.

I used the many anxiety-management tools in my toolbox and the panic was subsiding as I moved from the pedicure chair to the manicure chair. I picked my nail color and felt like I was going to avoid a full blown panic attack. After all, the manicure is actually my favorite part. I nearly fall asleep when my hands are being pampered. But, I started feeling anxious again. I just knew I was having a heart attack. I tried grounding, I tried re-thinking. Finally, I had to tell my friend I was having a panic attack. I was so embarrassed. Even though she knows I have anxiety disorder, I felt humiliated having a panic attack right in front of her. But, telling her was the best thing I could have done.

She was kind. She was understanding and compassionate. She cancelled her next client, in spite of my protestation that I could go home. She has a private room where she does nails, so she suggested I try a couple of yoga poses, and spread a towel out so I could do them. She talked about when she herself had a couple of panic attacks. She even offered to drive me home, or to a hospital if I felt I needed it. Her calmness, her willingness to help, were what I needed. I took my medicine, I did the yoga poses, I talked with her about how hard it is to struggle with this disorder. After a while she finished my nails, gave me a hug, and I was able to go home feeling better.

I learned a lesson that day. It's one thing to talk to people about having anxiety disorder when I'm not having a panic attack, because people can't see what's happening. It's easy to write a blog about it because no one can see me have a panic attack through my blog. But, when you're having a panic attack in front of someone, it's humiliating. You want to run. But, the lesson I learned is that people can be kind. They can help.

Many thanks to my friend for helping me. I'm so lucky to have her for a friend.

Winter Blues

This has been the longest, coldest, grayest winter I can remember. I live in the South. I'm not used to this kind of weather. But, I don't mind the cold so much. In fact, I kind of like it. What I don't like are the gray days. When late fall arrives and the days shorten, my anxiety increases. And, it's always a little more trouble to manage till the longer, lighter days of spring begin to arrive. In this year's seemingly never-ending winter, I've felt my anxiety symptoms increase, and I've also been tired and irritable. I've had to be more conscientious than usual about managing my anxiety.

The first step in making it a little easier to manage is recognizing and accepting that my anxiety is worse during the winter. It's a little less frightening when I remember that this happens every winter and that it's common, even in people who don't normally have depression or anxiety.

The second step is to not get lazy about using daily techniques to reduce anxiety and depression, like grounding, progressive muscle relaxation, gratitude, prayer, and exercise.

The third step is to keep moving. No matter how appealing it is stay curled up on the sofa with a blanket when I don't have to be somewhere, it's important to do things like household chores, errand running, or just getting out and going to a coffee shop to read or write. Being around other people helps alleviate the sense of isolation that anxiety brings.

The fourth step is to keep my body comfortable. Anxiety makes us tense, can cause stomach issues, body pains, and other physical symptoms. I take warm baths, go for short walks, see the chiropractor for adjustments, and get massages.

The fifth step is to get outside when the sun happens to shine. I've noticed that being in the sun, even for a short time, lifts my mood. If you can't get outside, try sitting near a window where you can see the light. Or, it's a little weird, but if it's too cold to want to be outside for long, I'll sit in my car in the sunshine for a bit and listen to the radio!

Other small things are helpful, too. For instance, staying at a comfortable temperature reduces my anxiety. I've noticed my anxiety symptoms increase if I have to be in an uncomfortably cold environment. Conversely, some places are kept too warm in the winter and can make me feel hot and anxious. If I dress in layers where I can stay reasonably comfortable wherever I go I'm less likely to get anxious.

Eating well is also good for anxiety. In the winter, we tend to eat more and eat heavier foods. Eating warm, comforting food is great for decreasing anxiety and depression, but overeating, eating foods that are high in sodium and sugar, and not getting enough fruits and vegetables can make my anxiety worse. We just bought a NutriBullet at our house and it's helped me be sure I'm getting enough green, leafy veggies during this cold, long winter.

As I wait for spring, I look forward to more daylight, warmer temperatures, and seeing the daffodils show their pretty faces. In the meantime, you'll find me staying warm, looking out the window in search of sunshine, and remembering I'm not the only one whose anxiety is worse in the winter.