How Do You Feel About the New Year?

New year. Fresh start. Resolutions. Hmmm. It seems this is the time of year when people are setting goals, planning, and looking forward. For me, it can be a time of sadness. I tend to look at the year that has passed. It makes me feel I'm running out of time to accomplish what I want to do, so I'm overwhelmed by all I didn't get done. Then, focusing on new goals becomes exhausting. And, there I go again, with the ruts in my brain looking at the gloomy side of things. So, what can I do to cope with the anxiety this thinking creates?

After looking through my mental box of tips and tools, I came up with a plan to cope with my new year's anxiety. I decided to live in the present. Anxiety (depression, too) can be caused by living in the past or worrying about the future. So, when I have thoughts about the things I didn't accomplish, I can put each thought on a leaf and let it float down the river and out of my head, figuratively speaking. When I start to worry about how I'll get new things done, I can remind myself of this quote from Thomas Jefferson. "How much pain they have cost us, the evils which have never happened." I can get up from my wall of worry and over-thinking and get busy with a simple task. Almost every time I focus on a task, I notice my anxiety is less, or even goes away, because it's very hard to think about two things at once. (Side note-that's why multi-tasking is actually almost impossible.)

I'm already feeling better, because now I have a plan. A very simple plan that is SMART. Strategic, measurable, actionable, relevant, and timed, as all good plans should be!

I'd love to know how you're coping with the coming New Year. Do you have a plan? How do you feel? I hope to see some comments, and if you have any tools that work for you, please include those, too!

Rather than saying 'Happy New Year," I think I'll say to my readers, "Here's to a new year that's right for you, with less anxiety and more peace."

Happy Holidays???

These days the pages of social media are filled with posts and pictures of holiday beauty, merriment, family, and faith. Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Google +...The list goes on. If you're looking at them, or even just reading good old-fashioned holiday cards or the ubiquitous family newsletter that's often sent this time of year, it may look like everyone's leading a lovely life. And, if you're a person with mental illness, you may wonder why you don't have all the joy that others seem to have. Or, you may feel jealous of all that happiness and wish you could feel it, too.

I am very fortunate, and I actually have a pretty lovely life. But, anxiety and depression sometime make it hard to feel the happiness that should accompany my life. The symptoms can blunt feelings of happiness. And, my medication causes a reduction of feelings at both ends of the spectrum. In other words, anxiety and depression are less, but also feelings of joy, excitement, and expectation are reduced. I really, really miss those super-excited, over-the-top, giddy moments.

But, when I start missing those moments, I take a breath, acknowledge that I miss them, and then replace those thoughts with gratitude that I'm not filled with anxiety. That I'm not deeply depressed. I remind myself that the more thoughts I have of gratitude, of happiness, of goodness, the greater chance I have of experiencing those feelings. And, every once in a while, I actually have a moment of super-excited, over-the-top, giddiness. When that happens, I savor it for all it's worth!

Is Your Christmas Merry?

Are you filled with holiday cheer? Are your jingle bells jingling? Is Santa up on your rooftop? I hope your holidays are looking like a Hallmark movie or a Publix commercial. But if they're not, don't despair. Neither are anyone else's.  The time from Thanksgiving to New Year's is prime time for anxiety and depression. There's usually too much to do, relatives to see that you'd really rather not, disappointment when you can't schedule a time to see people you really want to, and budgets that are stretched thin. Or, on the opposite side of the coin, some of us don't have family, friends, parties, and shopping to take care of. This loneliness can be isolating to anyone, especially if you have anxiety and depression.

I'm not always good about preparing myself for situations that trigger anxiety. I tend to approach them with an attitude of, "Oh, this time I'll feel fine." I ignore the symptoms as they creep up instead of acknowledging them. When I feel good I toss my tools out the window and expect to continue to feel good. It's kind of like never changing your oil and expecting your car to continue to run well. But, this holiday season I decided to make a list of the things that make my holidays bright. I decided not to try to control anything about the holidays except what I can personally control. I decided to practice acceptance and gratitude. So here's my list of holiday anxiety relievers. Remember, these are what I like to do and might not be right for everyone. Create your own list, check it twice, and maybe your days will be a little more merry and bright.

1. Make time to pray, do progressive muscle relaxation, and get enough sleep.

2. Plan time to volunteer.

3. Keep a gratitude journal.

4. Listen to Christmas music. It's my favorite part of the holidays.

5. Keep my tree lights on whenever I'm home.

6. Light an evergreen scented candle.

7. Hang out with friends.

8. Practice acceptance of how the holidays unfold.

9. Understand that others' holiday expectations may not be like mine.

10. Be in the present.

11. Be kind to myself and others.

Merry Christmas and happy holidays, everyone!

Good Grief

For those of us with anxiety and/or depression, grief can be hard. Unbearable even. It can send us into a downward spiral that we want to avoid at all cost. So, I typically choose not to grief. Sounds like the perfect solution, right? Well, not actually. Grief is part of the healing process that needs to occur after a loss. Any kind of loss, whether it's the death of a loved one, the end of a relationship, or losing a job, can and should cause us to grieve. Clearly, I'm not an expert on grief, but I used some tools that helped me when we chose to have our beloved black lab, Coal, put down the Friday before Thanksgiving.

Most of us aren't comfortable with death, but talking or hearing about it creates true anxiety for me. Things that I can't control trigger anxiety in me, and death is something I feel like I have no control over. So, any reminder of our mortality can create anxiety for me. So, when it became evident Coal's condition was deteriorating, I began to worry. It reminded me we all will die and that I will die. It made me sad because we'd had Coal since the day he was born. He'd been part of our life for almost 17 years. It reminded me of when we had to have his mama put down. It reminded me of when we took my own mama off life support. It made me think of my beloved Nanny's death. Anxiety mounted. I don't like like to think about people or pets after they die. Remember, I don't grieve, so I don't reach a point where I can remember them with any joy or peace. I don't understand people who tell stories and talk about those they've lost. I just try not to feel anything. If I start feeling anything I might not be able to stop. I might just grieve forever. The pain won't stop. I'll be stuck with fear and sadness forever.

When we began to talk about having Coal put down, the sense of dread and anxiety started. But, this time, I started using some tools and techniques to help me. Reality based thinking helped. I felt like I had no control over the situation, but was that really true? I could make choices about Coal's comfort, quality of life, and how he was euthanized. I could practice acceptance by living more comfortably in the unpredictability of life and acquiring a willingness to take life as it comes. I could remind myself that feelings don't last forever and that I can let go of my sadness. And, I could practice gratitude by being thankful for all the years we had with our sweet old doggie.

As I watched our adult son say good-bye to a dog he'd known most of his life, I cried, but was able to remember the two of them playing together instead of shutting down the memory for fear of the pain. As I talked with our daughter who lives in another city, I cried, but believed her when she said we were making the right decision. As we watched Coal peacefully slip from this life, I cried, and was a little less afraid that I would cry forever. And, as I write this post, I'm crying, but know that the tears will stop, that the feelings will pass, and that grief can be good.

How Gratitude Relieves Anxiety

It's Thanksgiving today so I thought I'd write about, well, giving thanks. Or, in other words, gratitude.  Gratitude is defined as "the quality or feeling of being grateful or thankful." That quality and feeling hasn't always been present with me. When I'm feeling anxious or depressed my mind always jumps on the well-travelled path of worry. The path of what-ifs. Of catastrophes and worst-case scenarios. I've travelled this path so often I've created "ruts in my brain." Ruts of anxiety. Of sadness. In my jittery life, I was sure if I thought about everything that could possibly happen, I could somehow be in control. I could stop the worst-case scenario. Then, my mind would think up a scenario I couldn't control. Panic! But, when I began to recognize that going down that path doesn't prevent bad things from happening, that I can't control everything, I needed to make a new path to travel. I needed to start creating new ruts in my brain. And the path I've chosen is gratitude.

I started thinking more about gratitude when I was in Clarity, the intensive therapy program I wrote about in my last post. One of the tools for recovery thinking that we learned was gratitude. Particularly, we learned about keeping a gratitude journal. Once a week we wrote down five things we were thankful for. When we started, it surprised me how little I was thinking about what I was grateful for. I was so focused on the worrying, the what-ifs, (see complete list above...) that my jittery brain had no time or energy for thankfulness. For my first journal entry I had to think really hard to come up with five things to be thankful for. I finally decided to start with the basics and I wrote down five things that, honestly, I have always taken for granted. Shelter. Food. Water. Car. Clothing. I wrote them down and was startled that the very act of writing them down warmed my heart. It also gave me a written reference so that when anxiety strikes I can pull out my journal and fill the ruts in my jumbled brain with thoughts of gratitude. And, amazingly, I saw how filling my mind with gratefulness left less room for thoughts that create feelings of anxiety and depression.

Each week it's easier to find five things I'm thankful for. Sometimes I can't limit it to five! And, now I make it a practice every day to remind myself that I need to look around and name the things that are good in my life. And, slowly, surely, the ruts in my brain are less full of worry and more full of gratitude.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Hello Again!

Well, it's been a while since I last posted, but I was inspired today by a friend who also has anxiety and depression. I was telling her about a three week intensive outpatient therapy program I did back in the summer called Clarity. Connecting Lives; Activating Resources; Integrating the Total You. It was a life changer. I don't actually like the phrase "life changer." It's overly dramatic and overused. But, Clarity really did give me some tools that changed the way I manage my anxiety and it has decreased to a much more comfortable level. (As if there's anything comfortable about anxiety disorder...) So, it was a life changer for me.

My therapist recommended the program because I was making a transition from employment to going back to school and, as much as I wanted to make this change, it was creating depression and anxiety. And, being me, I was in denial that the transition would cause me stress. I tend to think I should sail through everything without a bump. "I can handle anything!" "This is no big deal!" "I'm looking forward to this, why should I be anxious?" Wrong!! Like everyone, transitions (good or bad) create some anxiety. And, for me, that's usually not a little anxiety. I like to do it up right, with BIG anxiety, toss in some depression for good measure, and all the while tell myself I should be ashamed for not being able to handle it.

Many of the things I learned while in the Clarity program I already knew, but wasn't putting into practice. But, there was something about going to therapy three hours a day, four days a week, that made me focus and realize I could be so much better if I used all my tools. And, I picked up some new skills, too. The program is in three segments, one per week-Safety, Recovery Thinking, and Communication. Each day reminded me of the tools I already had and gave me some new ones to add. Here are some of the things I learned in Clarity:

Trust myself and other people who deserve my trust. It's pretty hard not to feel anxious if you don't think there's anyone you can trust.

Take good care of my body. Eating, sleeping, exercising, relaxing, in the proper amounts, all play a
big role in managing anxiety.

Deliberately change my emotional climate. I can choose to change how I react to the way I feel about things and I can change my thoughts.

Use grounding to detach from emotional pain and anxiety. There are three major ways of grounding-mental, physical, and soothing. I'll cover those is a future blog post. This was huge for me!

Thoughts and feelings are liars.

Constantly feed my soul. For me, this is deepening my relationship with God. This program isn't religion-based, but spirituality, however you view that, is part of it.

Feel gratitude daily. My life seems pretty awesome when I list out the specific things I have,
materially and otherwise.

Now that I'm back to blogging, I'll share more about some of these tools in future posts. I'm looking forward to your comments, and I'm glad to be back!

Is it Like Walking and Chewing Gum?

Like so many people who want to meditate, I find it hard to think about, well, nothing. The whole concept of clearing my mind is hard to grasp. How on earth do you stop your thoughts? My friend Christine and I were talking about this. She said she can't meditate because she can't turn off her "rat brain." Rat brain is an apt description if I ever heard one. Thoughts continually scurry through my head like rats in a maze. If I'm anxious, they scurry even faster. I told her to try 100 breaths meditation. I can do that because the breaths help me focus by counting. But, I told her, I really want to try this thing I've heard about called walking meditation. Somehow, I think I can clear my mind more easily if I'm up and moving.

So, a few days later, I decided to give it a try.  I had looked up "how to do walking meditation" and, armed with my newfound knowledge, I was ready to go. I walked out the front door and was hit with a blast of Tennessee summer humidity that made me quickly realize that walking at the nearby greenway would not be in my best interest unless I wanted to do a "melt"-itation. Determined that I was going to try walking meditation, I decided to drive to the community center in my neighborhood and use its walking track. Nothing I'd read said walking meditation HAD to be done outside! All you need is a place that's relatively quiet and peaceful. Feeling clever, I drove to the community center and went in, expecting only a few retirees to be there during the early afternoon hours. Wrong. I had conveniently forgotten that community centers, being the center of the community and all, have summer camp programs for school children. Really active, really energetic, really LOUD children. "Ok," I thought, "I'm still gonna do this. These kids aren't allowed on the walking track, so all I need to do is listen to meditation music to drown out the noise." I reached for my earbuds and realized I'd left them at home. I'd planned to walk on the greenway and listen to the sounds of nature. I thought, "I can still do this. Meditation is being mindful and in the present moment. That's all I have to do." Never mind that I have trouble meditating in the silence of early morning in my quiet bedroom with meditation music playing. I wanted to clear my mind now! I was determined to clear my mind now. I remembered that I was supposed to start a walking meditation by standing still and feeling the sensation of my feet firmly planted on the ground. I stood, I felt. Then inhale with one step, exhale with the next. I started. Step, step. Inhale, exhale. Repeat. Those kids were loud. They were filled with the exuberance of kids in the summer, released from sitting still and learning all day. They were alternately so cute to watch, or so irritatingly loud and annoying that I couldn't ignore them. My meditation goal was 15 minutes. "I'll never clear my mind for 15 minutes with all this noise and energy!" Then I remembered I was supposed to let thoughts pass through, bring my mind to the present, focus on the breath. OK, getting a little easier. Then without really even thinking about it, I realized that I was thinking, "walk, walk," with each step I took. My mind was clearing, staying in the moment. And, after two laps, without any thought at all, I ran a lap. My mind said, "step, step" with each running step I took. I would walk two laps, run one, totally mindful of the moment with nothing but the words "walk" and "step" in my mind. When my phone's timer went off I was completely surprised that 15 minutes had passed. I set it for another 15 and continued in my pleasantly cleared state of mind. I no longer heard the kids. I was no longer distracted by their darting, running, jumping, and game playing. I was just walking, running. And, meditating.

"Every path, every street in the world is your walking meditation path." Thich Nhat Hanh